AP - Minneapolis, MN -
It has just been released that after Monday evening's loss to the Seattle Mariners, the Minnesota Twins were subjected to a barrage of tests, and a psychological conclusion has been determined; the Minnesota Twins have first-a-phobia.
While unknown in many mental health circles, Dr. Howard McWhollyCrap and Dr. Ivanna BangmyHeadintheWall are well known leaders in this field. "It truly comes down to fear, and discomfort," stated McWhollyCrap; "the Twins currently are suffering from a team wide fear of maintaining a first place position." This news comes immediately after Minnesota dropped an extra inning game to Seattle, and after the WhiteSox had lost their April 28th suspended game, but won their regularily scheduled game to Baltimore, thus taking a 1/2 game lead back over the Twins.
"All we can do is go out there and play our tails off" quipped Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. "I mean, if they are afraid of first, we are afraid of first...I'll talk to Bill (Twins General Manager) and see what he says about that."
Doctor BangmyHeadintheWall has other ideas; "it comes down to focusing on the game at hand, as opposed to worrying about standings. If the team can forget its standing, it will forget its fears."
Only time will tell how this phobia will be resolved, or if it will be resolved, but perhaps, the situation was best put by backup catcher, Mike Redmond. "The issue seems to be a lack of grit, and less than stellar intensity. I have encouraged these kids to get down, and eat some dirrrt, but they don't do it. I think they feel I am saying to eat dirt figuratively, but I mean it for real...the team needs to eat some dirt."
Perhaps Redmond could give a clinic on just how this dirt eating is done.