Breaking News: Rick Porcello Just 20 Years Old

by Jesse on Oct 8, 2009 5:48 PM EDT in WTF

Rookie throws "like a crafty veteran".

In a shocking development following Tuesday's one-game playoff in Minneapolis between the Twins and the Tigers, Major League Baseball has just announced that Detroit's starting pitcher, Rick Porcello, is just 20 years old. While players of both teams and the league were aware of this fact, it didn't stop Twins pitcher Scott Baker from voicing some envious feelings.

"He grows more facial hair than I do," said Baker sheepishly before telling the press how they could reserve their lower club season ticket seats at Target Field by logging onto Twins baseball dot com.

In spite of the information being freely available on the internet, the broadcasting crew of the televised event didn't bring up Porcello's age once. When asked why, both Chip Caray and Ron Darling shrugged their shoulders.

"Well," said Caray, "my first name is Chip. What do you expect from a guy whose first name is Chip?"

"Where's Dale?" giggled Darling, before asking us to repeat the question. This time he appeared genuinely shocked. "Porcello is just 20 years old? That's preposterous! He pitches with the veteran savvy of a man between the ages of 29 and 32!"

Indeed, the rookie pitcher delivered a strong performance which could jettison him into a favorite for the discussion of AL Rookie of the Year. A statistical website, superawesomemegarealstats.com had metrics Wednesday morning showing that Porcello threw the fastball of a 29-year old, the slider of a 30-year old, the curveball of a 33-year old and the changeup of either a 36-year old or a 22-year old...which is still older than Porcello by a minimum of 14 months depending on when that fictional 22-year old would have his birthday.

When asked why he couldn't just throw "like a 20-year old, already", Porcello said "Two days after Christmas I can drink beer! My dad is taking me to the bar!"

Sadly for TBS, now it's too late. The youngest player in the American League this year, pitching that well in a game of that magnitude with that kind of confidence and savvy, well, that's a trough that Carey and Darling weren't able to go to time and time again, over and over until it was beaten into the ground, into the minds of the millions of baseball fans across the globe until it was so automatic and so engrained that they would be able to predict when the announcers would bring it up again and therefore want to vomit or at the very least turn it into a running joke that was still funny two days later.

"I can't believe we missed that chance," cried Darling, sobbing into his hands.

"My name is Chip," said Caray.

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I just died a little inside.

How these poor guys will make it through the postseason without Porcello and his impressive 20 year oldness, we’ll never know.

And the kid totally does grow more facial hair than Baker, who, after seeing him in HD, I’m convinced has never needed to shave in his life and may in fact actually be YOUNGER than Porcello, having sneaked into the big leagues with a fake ID when he was ten.

http://www.realityfish.com

by Robin G on Oct 8, 2009 5:52 PM EDT reply actions

Yankees

It’s analogous to the Yankees. What will RD do when we eliminate the Yankees? Who will he drool all over?

by Teo12345 on Oct 9, 2009 9:43 AM EDT up reply actions

Oh my god.

I LOVE this. Hahahaha.

The Porcello train just keeps rolling along after he’s eliminated, too. Saying that Duensing is just 6 years older than Boy Wonder? Grasping for straws, guys.

"Baseball doesn't owe me a thing. I owe my whole life to baseball." -Kirby Puckett

by fischean on Oct 8, 2009 5:57 PM EDT reply actions

LMAO +100

Great one Jesse. It helped me a little from the depression of last night.
I’m wondering if Rick Porcello is secretly 28 (Gasp!)
Because the way he pitches…. WOW……… is all i can say. If my out-of-the-box thinking is correct than we could be seeing the greatest conspiracy theory this side of JFK’s assanation.

When Im in a jam......... I ask myself "WWPD?" (What Would Porcello Do)

by Percy Harvin My Fav! on Oct 8, 2009 7:24 PM EDT reply actions

The Onion

Someone read The Onion article on Brett Favre today. :)

by werddrew on Oct 8, 2009 7:25 PM EDT reply actions

yes

And here it is.

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Oct 8, 2009 7:27 PM EDT up reply actions

I especially appreciated the Kleinsasser reference

Of course, as on of the few people who owns a Kleinsasser jersey, perhaps I’m biased.

"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

by BeefMaster on Oct 9, 2009 9:33 AM EDT up reply actions

My thoughts exactly

by archie2227 on Oct 8, 2009 9:32 PM EDT up reply actions

Oh also

as Ron Darling pointed it out last night…… PHIL HUGHES IS ONLY 23!!!!!
But he pitches like a crafty veteran

When Im in a jam......... I ask myself "WWPD?" (What Would Porcello Do)

by Percy Harvin My Fav! on Oct 8, 2009 7:25 PM EDT reply actions

he he

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Oct 8, 2009 7:26 PM EDT reply actions

haha this post is awesome

I half expect Ron Darling to pay for a bone graf of Porcello to show that he’s really 20.

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Oct 8, 2009 8:55 PM EDT reply actions

6 years younger than Duensing!

by DaTwins on Oct 8, 2009 9:02 PM EDT reply actions

Porcello's just 20 years old?

why didn’t somebody tell me?

by Hjorvarthr on Oct 8, 2009 9:23 PM EDT reply actions

Joe Pos on Chip Caray

“I listen to Chip Caray jabber endlessly about something that has no bearing on anything in the world while not actually telling me if in the infield is in, and I shout.”

by DaTwins on Oct 8, 2009 9:24 PM EDT reply actions

I have a new theory

Half of a broadcaster’s talent is lost from one generation to another.

Jack Buck >> Joe Buck

Harry Carey >> Skip Carey >> Chip Carey

I can only hope Chip doesn’t breed. We’d end up with the second coming of John Gordon.

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Oct 8, 2009 9:33 PM EDT reply actions

Hey ...

John’s a “homer” – but he’s OUR “homer.”

by BD57 on Oct 8, 2009 9:45 PM EDT up reply actions

J Saffron is to Justin Morneau

As CMath is to John Gordon

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett  
—Hasta la victoria siempre ¡Patria o Muerte! –Ernesto "Che" Guevara

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Oct 8, 2009 9:54 PM EDT up reply actions

Guilty

The difference is, Morneau is a good baseball player. Gordon is a bad broadcaster.

And it’s not just about homerism vs objectivity. I don’t mind homersim so much. It’s the endless chatter while the game is going on that just drives me crazy.

I used to think it was Gladden. But when John’s on break, Gladden calls the game. Not all the balls and strikes, but most of them. Enough to where I can follow what’s gong on, which is all I ask from a radio crew. But John is constantly sucking Gladden into discussions about other games or other races or other players.

If the chatter was just about the game before him, it wouldn’t be so bad. But he chats about other games in other cities more often than the game at hand. The worst was a game this year in which he started talking about Wrigley field and failed to call two whole batters in the first inning! Meanwhile a run scored and the two batters got on base. It went from one out and a runner on first to one out, a run in and guys on second and third and he didn’t call a single pitch of the action!

This past weekend was interminable because I had no access to TV and radio signals were spotty at best. So I was relying on a decent radio call to figure out what was going on. They called maybe 10% of the balls and strikes and half the outs or runs. The rest of the time, they chatted about Metrodome Memories. I kept saying, “Hello, this is a do or die game. Let’s call some of the action please. Or at least give me the score.”

If the chatter was just at the end of the game when the outcome is not much in doubt, OK, it might make an otherwise dull game interesting. But he chats in every inning. He chats in tie games. He chats in extra innings.

The end result is, I can’t tell what’s going on half the time. If he was on TV, it wouldn’t be so bad because I could at least watch the game. But on radio, you need to call the game. Give the score. Give the count. Be accurate 90% of the time. It’s not that hard. He refuses to do it. That pisses me off.

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Oct 8, 2009 10:30 PM EDT up reply actions

John Gordon = Joan Rivers?

Agreed with all the criticism. I tuned in to listen to the game, the chatter is for pregame and postgame shows.

by DJL44 on Oct 9, 2009 10:31 AM EDT up reply actions

+1

"I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. See, my mule don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it . . ."

by Skippy tastes better than Jiff on Oct 8, 2009 9:58 PM EDT up reply actions

I get to watch ONE live game the whole year and have to listen to these clowns!

It made it a little easier to delete it from the HD knowing the Twins lost and knowing that I would have to listen to these guys drone on and on.

by Skippy tastes better than Jiff on Oct 9, 2009 2:56 AM EDT up reply actions

Joe Buck

Joe is actually pretty good IMHO. My gripe with national announcers is that they have a setup for the game (“scrappy Twins” vs. mighty Yankees) and they pretend that whatever happens on the field bears out what they previewed. If the Twins hit four homers today, they won’t know what to say since the Twins always win by throwing to the right base and going from first to third. Prepare for the game but call what actually happens on the field!

by Alexi Casilla All-Star on Oct 9, 2009 10:30 AM EDT up reply actions

We could beat them all and have a four-year old kid join the Twins...

…We’d get all kinds of press from the talking heads about how he is only four years old; plus he’d have a strikezone the size of a squirrel, which would impress the talking heads even more “because of his veteran eye at the plate, he leads the league in walks despite his age.”

And if someone had the gall to bean him, well, that pitcher would be villified for the remainder of his life as being the guy who “cut down the blossoming prospect before he could reach his prime.”

I see no downside to this (he’d probably even take the minimum salary).

by Skippy tastes better than Jiff on Oct 8, 2009 9:55 PM EDT reply actions