Condolence Letters to Other AL MVP "Candidates" and Concerned Parties
by Jesse on Nov 23, 2009 9:30 PM EST
in WTF
Email
PrintMost of these are mine. One is not.
Dear Derek Jeter,
Thank you for your fantastic season, but we regret to inform you that you were not voted the winner of the American League MVP for the following reasons.
- You didn't hit as well as Joe Mauer.
- You didn't his as many home runs as Joe Mauer.
- You weren't on base as often as Joe Mauer, although generally we only vote based on those first two categories.
- You weren't as good as Joe Mauer, just in general. We couldn't find one good reason for you to win, other than that you played in New York.
We do thank you for your candidacy and trust A-Rod will be there to genty dry your tears.
Kind regards,
Major League Baseball
Dear Mark Tee-yeh-sher-ah,
We regret to inform you that your candidacy for American League MVP has been rejected because only six of the voting parties could spell your last name.
Also, you weren't as good as Joe Mauer.
Sincerely,
Major League Baseball
Dear Keizo Konishi,
This makes about as much sense as giving Jeter the Hank Aaron award. He wasn't the best hitter, and M-Cab is not the most valuable player in any universe. Who hit better? Joe Mauer. Who's team won the division? Joe Mauer's. Who's team beat Cabrera's team? Joe Mauer's. Who's not out getting drunk before the team's biggest game? Joe Mauer.
Congratulations on becoming baseball's newest Douche of the Universe. Wear that crown proudly, brainless.
Love,
Jesse
PS-I'm sorry, I still just don't understand. On what legitimate level do you honestly think Cabrera is more valuable than Joe Mauer?
Dear Zack Greinke,
You actually would have been a good choice if Joe Mauer hadn't been in your league. Sorry bud, I guess you'll just have to settle for the Cy Young.
Peace out homie,
Jesse
Hey Justin,
IT'S ON BITCH! Whoever gets the next one has to do a Jimmy John's commercial.
Or is it whomever? Gosh, I'm just not sure.
It's your game on Madden,
Joe
Dear Joe,
Congrats from one Minnesota sports Jesus to another on the MVP! Am I next?
Laters,
AP (aka Purple J)
Dear Joe,
I'm sorry, I really should have given my award to you.
Respect,
Henry
Dear Jeter,
SUCK IT!!!
Love,
Bat-Girl
Please feel free to write your own letters...
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Lighten up Francis
It’s called having fun.
by SteadyDietOfCheese on Nov 23, 2009 10:23 PM EST up reply actions
Exactly...
…I wasn’t really trying to be an ass about this. Maybe just being a bit over-zealous for our hometown hero…
The new tagline?
It is awesome.
I sort of feel bad for Greinke. He should have been higher than both Tex and Jeter on the ballot. :\
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
I dunno Jesse
This lacks…grace. Our guy won. Isn’t that enough?
by Eric in Madison on Nov 23, 2009 10:37 PM EST reply actions
Grace?
Its not a little league game…
As a fan, if you gloat -have fun with – in a time like this, when you can you?
by clutterheart on Nov 23, 2009 10:46 PM EST up reply actions
AND....you think Yankee fans were gracious when they swept the Twins?
:\
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
+7
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 23, 2009 11:26 PM EST up reply actions
Well, yes, we should really look to Yankee fans for lessons on
comportment.
And I don’t find this kind of gloating to increase my enjoyment of Mauer’s accomplishments.
Whatever. This just isn’t my thing. I don’t find it funny at all.
by Eric in Madison on Nov 23, 2009 11:27 PM EST up reply actions
I could go either way on this
I don’t really want to rub in Mauer’s MVP award over other MVP candidates – they all had great seasons.
But this is tongue in cheek enough that I think it’s different from the gloating we would expect from certain Yankees fans.
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Nov 23, 2009 11:44 PM EST up reply actions
Somehow I doubt Tiexeira and Jeter read TT
Their WS rings and millions of dollars will keep them warm this winter. I don’t feel too sorry for them.
As SDOC and Sgt. Hulka said, “Lighten up Francis.”
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 23, 2009 11:52 PM EST up reply actions
I'm torn
On one hand, I completely agree with you in concept – I hate it when sports fans are jerks, and I’d rather Twins fans not be “those guys” (I have enough trouble tolerating fellow Vikings fans).
On the other hand, I thought Jesse did a pretty good job keeping these from being mean-spirited – the Jeter one was quite snarky but not outright mean, and the Kaiser Soze (or whatever his name was) one may have been a bit over the top, but the rest were mostly just lighthearted humor.
Like you said below, though, if we’re getting our cues on fan behavior from Yankees fans, we should all just punch ourselves into unconsciousness now and save everyone else the trouble.
"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
You know, I like a little trash talking myself, but what bothers me
is that nobody is trash talking Mauer or the Twins, really.
One of the things that I’ve come to realize is that many Twins’ fans I run across have a completely unwarranted persecution complex. Or something. And so they rage or joke or complain about something that barely exists if at all. This idea that there is a massive east coast bias and the Twins get no respect, it just isn’t true. Sure, ESPN talks more about the Yankees and Red Sox than other teams—they do that because it’s good for ratings.
I remember watching the playoffs and reading the threads here, and it struck me as nuts. There were so many comments here about how the announcers were fellating the Yankees, etc., and I just wasn’t hearing it. It seemed clear to me they were even handed and complimenting the Twins just as much, but people just couldn’t here that. It was like every time they said something complimentary about the yankees—who were pretty good, by the way, Twins fans just lost it. I was completely amazed. I thought it was thoroughly fair announcing, especially given that the Yankees were kicking the Twins’ ass.
It makes me cringe when fans play the no-respect card when it doesn’t really exist. And as for awards…jeez, there was never any doubt that Mauer was going to win the MVP. And yet, there was such pre-award snark in Twins’ fans circles toward Jeter, as if he might steal what was rightfully Mauers (and thus, ours). Because the “New York” guys have such an advantage in award voting, something which is entirely not true. Does nobody remember the last time there was an arguable award vote between a Minnesota guy and a New York guy? Hey, our guy won (Morneau, 2006).
And so now, even after Mauer gets what he deserves, and every voter (save one, whose vote was so silly it’s not worth worrying about) acknowledges his greatness, Jesse still feels the need to snark on Jeter and the fact that the only reason for him to win is he plays in New York.
I dunno. I wish we could stop with the persecution complex. I wish we could stop with the whining and complaining about New York and east coast bias. It makes us seem petty and small to my ears.
by Eric in Madison on Nov 24, 2009 11:27 AM EST up reply actions
So who's getting hurt?
Jeter? Tiex? yanqui fans? If he posted this on Big League Stew, mlb.com or Pinstripe Alley, you might have an argument to make. This is a site for Twins fans. The target audience is Twins fans. If a few closeted yanqui fans get your feathers ruffled who cares? BTW, the only person whining here is you.
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 12:20 PM EST up reply actions
First of all
Who said anything about anyone getting “hurt?”
Second of all, my comment was about a wider phenomenon than Jesse’s post; I was thinking about why I didn’t like it, and that’s what occurred to me. It’s a matter of taste, I suppose, but I would prefer if we refrained more frequently.
As for whining, whatever. One man’s argument is another man’s whining, I guess. But I recommend that you review some of the playoff game threads for some real whining of the kind I’m talking about.
by Eric in Madison on Nov 24, 2009 12:49 PM EST up reply actions
oh for god's sake,
lighten up and grow a f@#*ing pair, would ya?
by montanatwinsfan on Nov 24, 2009 2:10 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
+ 1,000,000,000,000,000
Eric in Madison – you’re exactly what’s wrong with America these days.
by X-MT Twins Fan on Nov 25, 2009 3:24 PM EST up reply actions
Let's not all jump on Eric in Madison
He’s been around here as long as anyone else. He adds a lot to TwinkieTown discussions.
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Nov 25, 2009 4:05 PM EST up reply actions
You implied Jesse was over the top and someone's feelings would be hurt
This lacks…grace. Our guy won. Isn’t that enough?
Jesse still feels the need to snark on Jeter
I wish we could stop with the whining and complaining about New York
This was meant for Twins fans and it was funny.
I was on those playoff threads, my statement about you whining stands. ^^^Montana summed it up better than I did.^^^
SUCK IT NY!
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 3:03 PM EST up reply actions
I do love to snark on Jeter.
But I’ve said it before, it’s not because I think he’s a horrible player. He’s clearly not. But I’ve given him a hard time 700 times before on this site and I’ll continue to do so, simply because he’s the face of the Yankees. I admit it, and I don’t really care. I’ve clearly been taken too seriously.
Oh well.
Lots of fun-zappers showing up.
:\
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
I know I'll probably be pegged as a troll for this
But what makes you think that anyone in New York would really care about an MVP award when
A) Their team swept ours in the playoffs
B) Their team almost always beat ours
C) They just won a World Series
I agree with Eric, that this comes off as petty.
by Charlie Kelly on Nov 24, 2009 6:04 PM EST up reply actions
wake up and review the main stream journalism.
But what makes you think that anyone in New York would really care about an MVP award
Plenty of articles out there arguing that Jeter or Texirera deserved it. But the most important thing to remember here is that this is posted on Twinkie Town for Twinkie Town fans. If Jesse were interested in being petty or assessing whether Yankees fans ‘care’ he would have posted it on pinstripe alley.
But what makes you think that anyone in New York would really care about an MVP award
Are you serious? I agree with the fans here who wrote that Derek Jeter and Joe Mauer would both rather have a ring than a trophy, but that hardly equates with someone not caring about the award. Derek Jeter craves that trophy – and he would be a fool (or brain dead) not to. But I am sure you are right, no one else cares… Baseball’s Captain: Why Derek Jeter Deserves to Be MVP; Jeter deserving of AL MVP Award ; The Case for Derek Jeter, MVP ; http://manhattanviewpoint.blogspot.com/2009/08/derek-jeter-on-mvp-pace-in-2009.html; Jeter, Teixeira and Mauer Race for AL MVP; Mauer the favorite but Jeter brings intangibles to the debate ; Jeter, GG, UZR, WAR, and the MVP (he actually picks texiera);
slow work day…
by montanatwinsfan on Nov 24, 2009 7:17 PM EST up reply actions
Maybe I should've worded it differently
Of course they care in that they want it. What I should have said is who in New York would care that a Twin got it over a Yankee? Regardless of who won the MVP. that doesn’t change the fact that the Yankees are world champs and have almost always beat us whether it is in the regular or post season.
by Charlie Kelly on Nov 24, 2009 9:26 PM EST up reply actions
Anyways, not trying to start an argument
Just trying to point out to a few overzealous Twins fans that while it is nice to see a Twin win the MVP over a Yankee, it is really nothing to rub in the nose of a team that has pretty much owned us for as long as I can remember.
by Charlie Kelly on Nov 24, 2009 9:29 PM EST up reply actions
Not sure why you're using "Us"
You’re obviously more a yanqui fan than a Twins fan. Real Twins fans are happy for Mauer and tend to not be yanqui fans at all. If you can’t see why this was a funny post, go buy a yanqui cap and join their bandwagon.
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 11:38 PM EST up reply actions
Too late shes already been on that
bandwagon for the last 7 years.
Furthermore, If you can’t appreciate the humor that was meant in this post then you my friend are a very serious person, who should lighten up just a tinge (My Word of the Week), I didn’t find anything wrong with this article.
Jesse keep these posts up because they make me chuckle to myself.
And FINALLY!!! Everyone have an AMAZING Thanksgiving! I wish save travels to all (yes even Packer, Yankees, and Chi Sox fans), good food, and a great family bonding experience. Get ready to spend all of Thursday night/Friday morning in the bathroom. :)
Purple Haze is the worlds greatest Natural Resource.
by Percy Harvin My Fav! on Nov 25, 2009 7:44 PM EST up reply actions
Wow, and I'm the one who needs to ligten up?
I make one little comment and suddenly I’m a Yankees fan more than a Twins fan? Grow up man…
by Charlie Kelly on Nov 29, 2009 4:33 PM EST up reply actions
EVERY team's fans have that
One of the things that I’ve come to realize is that many Twins’ fans I run across have a completely unwarranted persecution complex.
Yankee fans complained that Jeter didn’t finish 2nd in the MVP vote (or win the 2006 MVP) because of the “haters”. Packers fans complained about the officiating after the Vikings beat them. Everyone except Red Sox and Yankees fans complains about national Red Sox and Yankees coverage. This is not something unique to Twins fans; my guess is that you just notice it because you’re exposed to more of them.
"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
Sure, I shouldn't have made it sound like I think it's only true of Twins fans
I’m sure its not. It’s just being a Twins fan, I notice it.
by Eric in Madison on Nov 24, 2009 12:39 PM EST up reply actions
FWIW I don't like it either
I would hope that Twins fans can rise above gloating and trash talk. It is the ugliest side of sports.
I don’t mind calling attention to other teams’ fans for stupid behavior, like the people who thought Jeter should win it as some kind of lifetime achievement award. But to do this, you have to occupy the moral high ground. When you gloat, taunt and trash talk, it puts you at their level.
Isn’t it enough that he won the MVP award fair and square (and without much controversy)? That’s what I am celebrating. Not that other people didn’t win.
"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot
Hank Aaron, I'm guessing.
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
this post is a
missed opportunity
…ruined by qualities to be named by others.
a great player deserves great celebration. what would lyman bostock think?
Dear Nick Punto,
My condolences that you did not win the AL MVP award. You would have had my vote.
Love,
Gardy
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Nov 23, 2009 11:25 PM EST reply actions
P.S. I factor grit and hustle in to my vote, not useless things like batting averages and on-base percentages. You rock!
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
P.S.
“You are the second best athlete on my team.”
That is an actual quote.
"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot
Oh, seriously?
That’s a bit sickening.
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
haha wow
I’m surprised by that quote, though I shouldn’t be by now.
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Nov 24, 2009 11:44 AM EST up reply actions
Dear Joe,
So I had pretty good week too. What do I have to do to get noticed in Minny? Throw 5 consecutive TD passes? Well, congrats.
I was famous in WIsconsin, really.
Your pal 4ever,
Brett
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 23, 2009 11:46 PM EST reply actions
Tried to laugh at the first two
But yeah, they have the rings. KISS THE RINGS.
Percy Harvin is my dealer.
Go away
Again
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 2:21 AM EST up reply actions
Exactly
They have the rings not YOU!
Once you win a DAMN World Series Ring come talk to me buddy, but until then continue posting on your pitty site.
Don’t be hating on our amazing writers here (Jesse, Cmathewson, RandBallStus and others) and our amazing fans here that crack me up everyday with there great posts and comments!
Purple Haze is the worlds greatest Natural Resource.
by Percy Harvin My Fav! on Nov 25, 2009 7:50 PM EST up reply actions
Jealous much
Thanks Jesse for proving that if you can’t win the big one at least you can gloat over individual awards. MVP vs. World-series Champ. No individual has ever won a major sports championship on their own, so which one does that make more important. I’m sure Jeter, Teixeira, A-rod and the rest of the Yankees would rather have a ring than an MVP award.
I suspect that even A-Rod
doesn’t love himself as much as you love your own opinion.
by montanatwinsfan on Nov 24, 2009 2:20 PM EST up reply actions
It's another person that just joined today.
What the heck? Is this that big of a deal?
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
people (who normally dont post)
become motivated to post when they are angry or want to complain. Just look at Johnny Safron – seriously go through his comments – I would wager that he has never had a kind word to say about anyone or anyone else’s comments.
nature of the beast for some goofballs.
by montanatwinsfan on Nov 24, 2009 2:33 PM EST up reply actions
At first I thought that was from an Adam Lambert video
"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot
Haha
Equally…erm, homo-erotic?
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
The only letter I like is the one to Keizo Konishi
Honestly, what was he thinking. Oh and Jeter can suck it too. lol
Hummmmm.....
Dear Joe:
Missed you that first month of the Year!
Love,
Your bridesmaid manager Ronnie
(someday, I’ll be #1)
Visit www.TwinsCards.com and check out "rosters" to see my collection!
congrats to joe mauer MVP
hey lets ask joe mauer whats more more important.
winning 1 MVP award (joe mauer)
or winning 5 world series rings ( derek jeter)
I like that you joined today just to post this comment.
That's awesome.
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
FYI
Someone stole your shift key – you might want to look into that.
"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
Except for the "MVP" part.
Weird.
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver
Nah...
He used caps lock for that.
"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
There IS a lot of crime in NY.
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 3:12 PM EST up reply actions
Let's also ask Mr. Joe
Would he rather play for actual fans (What we have in MN)
or fans who give or take 65% arent even really die-hard Yankee fans, most just like them becasuse they have a false sense of what a good team is and they actually believe that the Yankees are good. Alsohalf of those 65% cant even name 6 yankees, probably 95% of yankee fans cant even name 10 yankees.
Purple Haze is the worlds greatest Natural Resource.
by Percy Harvin My Fav! on Nov 25, 2009 7:54 PM EST up reply actions
Funny post, Jesse
I thought I ought to at least say that I appreciate the humor since so many seem allergic to having a little fun. Lighten up, guys, it’s all in good fun, and this sort of stuff is the nature of sports. We are fans, therefore, we are not always objective observers. We’re all grown ups (or close enough) and should be able to take a few light hearted jabs.
see, now if someone can't
cry laugh at that, then they are a little too full of themselves.
by montanatwinsfan on Nov 24, 2009 6:46 PM EST up reply actions
It wasn't bad
Just lacked originality.
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 11:39 PM EST up reply actions
Derek Jeter is going to be a Twin next year?
Frankly, I’d pass. I don’t think he’d fit in the organization and it would put us way over budget.
In other news, Joe Mauer will be a Twin at least until 2011, and negotiations have begun to keep him a Twin for a very long time. Thanks for playing.
Closet yanqui fans suck too.
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 24, 2009 11:22 PM EST up reply actions
If he came then
we wouldnt have LNP starting every day! (Yea I know we have JJ but im dreaming)
Purple Haze is the worlds greatest Natural Resource.
by Percy Harvin My Fav! on Nov 25, 2009 7:57 PM EST up reply actions
Give Jeter another BJ
"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Nov 30, 2009 1:51 AM EST up reply actions
Jesse
Jesse never ceases to amaze me with these articles. They are crazy funny but yet so true. Great stuff. Shit. (GO TWINS)
by JoeMauerIsAStud on Nov 24, 2009 10:25 PM EST reply actions
Totally awesome post Jesse.
Made me laugh a lot.
The 2009 Pregame Picks Winner and Iron Man of Halos Heaven.com
+7
I wonder if she would have done a lego MVP award ceremony for Mauer
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Nov 25, 2009 6:24 PM EST up reply actions
So Joe Mauer won the MVP
He deserved it. I don’t think Tex and Derek are crying too much, they’ll be getting rings in April or May. They already make more than enough money and they have a large fan base that supports them.
I’d be very happy in 2010 if anybody on the Yankees was the MVP (Except for A-Rod) and the Twins were World Series champions.
by Alexi Casilla All-Star on Nov 25, 2009 6:26 PM EST reply actions
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