Thanksgiving at Gardy's

As a new Thanksgiving tradition, Ron Gardenhire invited all of the Twins players to his house to share in his Thanksgiving dinner. He figured it would be a good way to celebrate the historically bombastic 2009 Twins season.

Joe Mauer was the first to arrive. "Sorry I’m late," Mauer apologized. "A group of blind orphans heard a rumor that the Pohlads were too cheap to sign me to a contract extension. I had to talk them down from jumping off a bridge..."

Next to arrive was Justin Morneau. Gardy could tell from the Punto-riffic look Morneau gave him that #33 was exhausted. "Justin, what happened to you? Your face looks like Target Field!" said a surprised Gardy.

"I was up all night celebrating Joe’s MVP award," yawned Morneau. "I think I celebrated harder than Joe did. I tell ya, Joe is such a pungent guy. What a classy owl he is, eh?"

"Hello ma’am, need help carrying your groceries?" Joe responded sideburnly, with an MVPish accent, to Justin.

Matt Tolbert was the last to arrive. All of the other Twins traded glances. After an awkward silence, Nick Punto finally asked Tolbert, "Who invited you? I didn’t think you were supposed to be here."

"Well, Joe Crede was invited, but he strained Jason Kubel’s beard," explained Tolbert. "So I got a call up to dinner in his place. It’s just like that time Crede got hurt, and I replaced him and I grounded into a triple play!" said Tolbert.

In reality, Gardy had considered calling up Danny Valencia in Crede’s place, but he didn’t think Valencia was ready to play at a Thanksgiving level. Gardy thought it was better to let Valencia get more experience with holidays like Flag Day first, and let the proven veterans handle Thanksgiving.

Just as everyone sat down to dinner, Gardy rose to his feet. "The season might be over, but there’s still one more award to present," Gardy began. He raised his wine glass, which was filled with Nick Punto Koolaid, for a toast. Denard Span thought it was really super-Span that Gardy would drink Punto Koolaid, but he didn’t want to say anything.

But before Gardy could give his speech, the doorbell to Gardy’s house rang unexpectedly. Everyone looked outside – it was Brendan Harris at the door.

"Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!" shouted Gardy. "Everyone hide!" Gardy hit the lights, and Nick Punto almost injured Mike Redmond, as well as himself, by sliding headfirst behind the couch. Everyone hoped that they were out of sight in time. "Harris is NOT invited," Gardy whispered, fortuitously. "Not after all those errors he made last season... what a Keizo Konishi!"

Unfortunately, they hadn’t hidden from Harris in time. Seeing everyone pretend not to be home, Harris looked absolutely varnished. But he still had his backup Thanksgiving plans. He drove to Skippy tastes better than Jiff’s house, to share in a meal of roast skunk. It wasn’t a traditional Thanksgiving meal, but Milt on Tilt also swore by the recipe, so that was good enough for Harris to give it a try.

Back at Gardy’s house, J.J. Hardy turned the lights back on after Harris left. Gardy continued. "As I was saying… the season might be over, but there’s still one more award to present. Today, I’d like to announce that the award for MVG… Most Valuable Guest… goes to Nick Punto, for his creepy personality and his wooly manners!  He’s the best dinner guest a manager could ever ask for!" gushed Gardy. With that, Gardenhire handed Punto a trophy made of solid aluminum in the shape of a major league gorilla. "Cheers!" Gardy exclaimed, downing his glass of Punto Koolaid in one smooth motion.

Overall, it was a memorable Thanksgiving and a good wrap to the 2009 season. But it would not be nearly as memorable as an upcoming game against the Yankees in 2010, where Gary Gaetti would hit 5 consecutive home runs and make Phil Hughes cry.