All the Headlines Fit To Not Print

by Jon Marthaler on Dec 14, 2009 9:00 AM EST in WTF

The Winter Meetings are over, the Twins have offered contracts to all of their arbitration-eligible players, and so the news has, for the moment, slowed down. (This statement will be officially null and void, should Joe Mauer choose to favor us with an early Christmas present.)

So, with the headlines slowing a bit, it's time to fall back on the old standby of lazy journalists everywhere: making stuff up! Below, some of the headlines you won't be seeing over the next few days:

Bill Smith Tenders Contract To Hot Fudge Sundae
Official team site headline: "Smith locks up important piece"

Team Has To Gently Explain Trade to Carlos Gomez for Fourth Time
"I really hope it's just a language thing," say team officials

Cuddyer's Masterpiece: Magician Makes Metrodome Disappear
On same day, Yanks' Sabathia makes fourteen hot dogs and an entire fried chicken disappear

Timberwolves, Wild DIscuss Contract Extensions With Mauer's Agent
May fill third-line right wing, shooting guard holes

Redmond Still Planning To Report To Spring Training
Security to begin extended details on January 1 in hopes of avoiding bloodbath on reporting day

ESPN SportsCenter Special: Target Field - Brett Favre Finally Speaks!
How does this affect Tiger Woods?

CERN Large Hadron Collider Experiments Prove: Prince Fielder's Pants Don't Fit
Researchers hope new theories explain how pants can be built so large

Joe Mauer Displays First Signs of Personality
Doctors hope he may utter first interesting quote within six months

Justin Morneau Still Debating Fan Letter to Spuds Mackenzie
Letter was written in 1989

Wouldn't it be a more interesting world, though?

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Something also interesting...

Lackey to the BoSox for 5 years/$85 million.

How disappointing.

"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." -Earl Weaver

by fischean on Dec 14, 2009 5:26 PM EST reply actions

That sucks

I hate Boston almost as much as NYY.

"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Dec 14, 2009 5:46 PM EST up reply actions

Yeah.

But it looks like the Angels got Matsui? Weird, weird.

by fischean on Dec 14, 2009 5:53 PM EST up reply actions

Disappointing that the Red Sox overpayed for a 30-36 year old pitcher with an injury history?

by lookatthosetwins on Dec 14, 2009 8:45 PM EST up reply actions

No, no, that part's okay.

Disappointing that given the history between the teams, he’d end up there. Just unfortunate for Angels fans. :\

by fischean on Dec 14, 2009 9:10 PM EST up reply actions

Honestly, if I was an angels fan, I don't know what I'd do right now

Think if we had traded Johan Santana to the Red Sox and Torii Hunter signed with the White Sox? I think I would have taken a leave of absense from baseball for a while.

by lookatthosetwins on Dec 15, 2009 3:37 PM EST up reply actions

I think the more accurate analogy

would be both Hunter and Santana signing with other teams, no trades. The Angels get nothing for Figgins or Lackey. Pretty ugly offseason so far, with few front line pitching options out there.

by Adam Peterson on Dec 16, 2009 2:50 PM EST up reply actions

No bloodbath in Ft Myers

Reddog will be unarmed and unclothed.

"Is it normal to wake up in the morning in a sweat because you can't wait to beat another human's guts out?" -Joe Kapp

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Dec 14, 2009 5:47 PM EST reply actions

nothing but

cleats, his helmet, and his smile…play ball!

by caluofmn on Dec 14, 2009 6:10 PM EST up reply actions

Did I miss something?

Did the Sox also sign Redmond? If so, they would have the oldest and slowest pair of catchers in the game.

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Dec 14, 2009 6:38 PM EST up reply actions

Halladay traded

as long as he can reach an agreement on a contract extension with Philly. The interesting part of this trade is that Lee supposedly goes to Seattle for prospects. After trading for Bedard, who does Seattle have left in their system that Toronto or Philly would want?

Crazy, crazy stuff. The Angels in this trade make so much more sense, IMO. Especially after losing Lackey.

by Adam Peterson on Dec 14, 2009 7:18 PM EST reply actions

The Angels have to be hurting.

Losing Lackey to the BoSox? Ouch.

Matsui can’t really make up for that, I’m thinking.

by fischean on Dec 14, 2009 7:31 PM EST up reply actions

Yeah Matsui's not really much better than guerrero

Losing Figgins, Lackey, and Guerrero is pretty huge. I think the Mariners have got to be the favorites in the West at this point. What a ridiculously quick turnaround.

by lookatthosetwins on Dec 14, 2009 8:46 PM EST up reply actions