"Why We Can't Hit On The Road," by the Minnesota Twins

The Twins limp into Oakland today after a three-game series in Seattle in which they scored a grand total of five runs.  Once again, Minnesota failed at every turn to get the much-needed hit, the clutch hit, or really any hit that would lead to a man in gray crossing home plate.

It's time, then, to turn to the source.  In their own words (no, not really), the Twins' explanation of why they can't hit on the road:

Nick Punto: "Because they keep making me wear that 'Unaccompanied Minor' sign in the airport."

Mike Redmond: "I got tired from fighting bums for beer money."

Delmon Young: "Because let's face it, I couldn't get a hit anywhere on earth. Possibly anywhere in the solar system."

Justin Morneau: "Dude.  Do you have any IDEA how many hotels don't have the NHL Network?"

Alexi Casilla: "Because no matter where we're going, I have to take a separate flight with a connection in Rochester."

Denard Span: "Because people keep calling me and singing a song called 'Let's Get Denarded.'  IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE GET A LIFE PLEASE PEOPLE."

Michael Cuddyer: "Because yesterday alone, I stubbed my toe, was hit in the back of the head with a baseball in batting practice, and was attacked by an extraordinarily angry family of ducks at the hotel."

Carlos Gomez: "The plane goes zoom! Then I go sit down after striking out."

Brendan Harris: "Because the team assigns me four different hotel rooms, then complains about how I sleep in all of them."

Matt Tolbert: "As it turns out, 'Grit your teeth, close your eyes, and swing hard' doesn't work on the road, either."

Brian Buscher: "To be honest, I forgot I was still on the team."

Jason Kubel: "" (NOTE: Answer was delivered in a whisper and could not be heard.)

Joe Crede: "Traveling, like staying home, hurts my back."

Kevin Slowey: "I don't hit.  I'm a pitcher." (Ed. note: Right.)

Joe Mauer: "I don't know, but I'll be darned if this won't end up being the blandest, most boring quote in the history of talking."