Fire Joe Mauer

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Sep 27, 2009 1:27 PM EDT Comment 17 comments

Joe Mauer clearly does not deserve the nickname "Baby Jesus." In my cherry-picked games, (5/4, 5/5, 5/28, 6/21, 6/23, 6/27, 6/29, 7/7, 7/11, 7/12, 7/19, 7/22, 7/27, 8/1, 8/24, 8/30, 9/8, 9/10), Mauer is 0 for 68, with 15 strikeouts and 0 walks! Who wants a player like that on their team? Mauer's season is best summarized by the July 12 game, where Mauer went 0 for 5 with 4 Ks.

And the Twins won that game anyway! In fact, even with Mauer's black hole in the lineup, the Twins still won 6 of the games I listed! Who needs Mauer anyway when the rest of the team can carry you through his awful 0-for-68 play!

Also, Joe Mauer is lazy. Everyone else started their season in April. That bum Mauer started his season in May! And all those times that Mauer walks? It's because he is too lazy to swing at the ball. Contrast this with Delmon Young, who is such a hard worker that he even swings at pitches that he can't hit! Mauer could learn a thing or two from Young's approach at the plate.

Other evidence that Mauer is lazy - Mauer has only one triple! One! You know who else has one triple? Nick Punto has one triple. Mike Redmond has one (hilarious) triple. Delmon Young has 2 triples! Why don't we just fire Mauer so we can give those guys more playing time?

Mauer is almost as bad as that Canadian slacker, Morneau, who is so bad that I won't even create a link to his name. Morneau is obviously worse in every way than Nick Punto, the people's hero. Come to think of it, we should fire both Lazy Joe and Slacker Justin.

And bring back Lew Ford! He had 4 triples in 2005, four times the triples Mauer has hit this year! And Lew Ford has a funny name, unlike boring Joe Mauer!

Poll

Who will hit five consecutive home runs?

Lazy Joe Mauer

50 votes

Slacker Justin Morneau

47 votes

Hard Worker Delmon Young

44 votes

Hero Nick Punto

58 votes

Funny Name Lew Ford

69 votes

268 votes | Poll has closed

7 recs | Comment 17 comments

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Comments

I'm glad someone is finally seeing what a hack Joe Mauer is!

I mean really, I think we can all admit that his .370+ BA is a fluke this year. He got lucky…all of those hits probably came against some terrible teams. His catching is ‘meh’ at best. He’s lucky if he throws out a base runner or blocks a wild pitch.

Psh, the Twins can do so much better. Like with Delmon “Demon” Young. Guy can hit like you wouldn’t believe! Almost never K’s or swings at ball 4. He’s crazy good and is a much better choice for left field than some other lazy, no-good players like Denard “I can barely get on base” Span. I won’t even cover the topic of Nick Punto, my keyboard can barely handle when I type his name…he’s just that awesome.

"But seriously, the banana guy is just sitting there now quietly taking in the game. You can’t do that. You’re either the banana guy or you’re the businessman." -Daniel Louden

by fischean on Sep 27, 2009 1:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

One other compiant;

It really chaps my hide that he has not learned how to be a .400 hitting righty also. Only batting left seems selfish.

I always loved that one.

by FoulJack on Sep 27, 2009 3:12 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

he probably picked it up from that other lefty, Morneau

Crazy Canadians, with their “metric system is better” and “let’s all be left-handed.” Morneau said LH was cooler and Mauer listened.

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Sep 27, 2009 3:31 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

This is clearly Morneau's fault

30 HR and 100 RBIs? Mauer was clearly carrying him.

How can you have the M&M Boys with one M? Morales hardly plays! I have not seen Manship or Mijares bat EVEN ONCE!!!

The George Steinbrenner School of Baseball Management™ would suggest we fire everyone and start all over again next year.

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is!" -John "Bluto" Blutarsky

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Sep 27, 2009 3:31 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

hahaha oh man...

this is perfect. Nonsensical and random.

Well done!

"But seriously, the banana guy is just sitting there now quietly taking in the game. You can’t do that. You’re either the banana guy or you’re the businessman." -Daniel Louden

by fischean on Sep 27, 2009 3:44 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Lessneau

Here is a poem written about him: The Second Coming

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Sep 27, 2009 3:53 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Lewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

by DavidRF on Sep 27, 2009 6:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

My fave was always

Willie Norwood a.k.a. Dr. Strangeglove.

by Odin on Oct 3, 2009 4:18 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Come to think of it

That one pitcher for KC, that Zack character seems to be awfully pouty on the mound, and sure, he has pitched okay and all, but he should probably get sent down too. I mean, his success probably hurts the Royals more than anything. Think about it, he is pretty good. The rest of them are not. Team chemistry is important and I bet he does more harm than good in that dept.

I always loved that one.

by FoulJack on Sep 27, 2009 7:14 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs