Twins Joke Writers Demand Roster Moves: "More Flakes"

In a surprise move Sunday evening, the Amalgamated Union of Beating Twins Jokes Into The Ground (AUBTJITG) moved to submit a formal list of demands to Twins management. Specifically, the union asks that the Twins immediately cease their sudden move to rid the roster of all flakes, weirdos, and banana nut fudges.

"As humorists who enjoy thinking up new ways to make fun of the strange, the physically interesting, and the predisposed-to-nudity, we strongly reject the Minnesota Twins' roster moves as counterproductive to easy jokes," said an AUBTJITG spokesman. "We thought we'd seen the worst of it when the team let Lew Ford go to Japan, but this year's combination of moves has proved simply outrageous."

Since the close of the 2009 season, the Twins have failed to re-sign noted nudity enthusiast Mike Redmond and traded both the tubby and strangely-named Boof Bonser and onomatopoetically-gifted fingernail chewer Carlos Gomez, thus cutting drastically the number of jokes that can easily be made about the team.

Said a union source who preferred to remain anonymous while discussing potential jokes, "In reality, we'll be scraping the bottom of the barrel this year if the roster stays the way it is. Nick Punto is short, Jose Mijares is wider than he is tall, and Jon Rauch has neck tattoos, but in reality that may be the best we have to work with. And we're all kind of worried that Rauch will kill us. I mean, what are we supposed to do, write jokes about JJ Hardy's goatee?"

Sighing heavily, he continued by saying, "I mean, Danny Valencia, Jason Pridie, Hardy - these guys are unknown joke commodities. It's nothing but a grab bag. What happened to the days when the Twins would sign Livan Hernandez? That was the best few months of my career. Since then, I've had to fall back on the old standby of making fun of CC Sabathia, and he's not even in the division any more.  Gerald Laird punching somebody will help, but it's no replacement for losing a guy like Sabathia."

The loss of Redmond hit the union especially hard, as the Twins' status as the flakiest team in baseball is now in serious jeopardy. "Remember 2005?" said the union spokesman. "We had Redmond, Lew, AND Matt LeCroy. That was the year LeCroy had gout, I think! And in the middle of the year, the team managed to get ahold of noted steroid abuser Bret Boone! It was a gold mine!"

Twins management had no official response to the demands, although general manager Bill Smith did respond nonverbally by rolling his eyes and pretending to fart on the list of demands. Delmon Young also refused to once again throw a bat at an umpire, although returning reliever Pat Neshek promised to help. There was no word as of press time regarding the rumor that Neshek had agreed to attempt to iron his shirt while wearing it.

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