AN OPEN LETTER TO RON GARDENHIRE, FROM A MORON
Boy, you are dumb. I just can't get over how dumb you are. How does a guy like you keep his job? You should quit now and save them the trouble of firing you.
You're so slow it occurs to me that you don't even know why I'm calling you dumb, so let me list off the reasons for you.
1. You forgot to tell guys to get hits with runners in scoring position. Here's what I can't figure out: from the All-Star break right up until the Twins clinched the division, you were all over guys. They were getting clutch hits with runners on base, and I can only assume that this means that you were giving them some sort of sign from the dugout. Why did you stop doing that? Only an idiot wouldn't realize that scoring runs is the point of the game! Keep giving them the sign! How could you be so stupid?
2. You didn't take pitchers out one batter before they started giving up runs. Everybody with a brain and a set of eyes could tell when those pitchers should have come out of the game. You know how we know that? We looked at the boxscore! Like on Thursday, when Francisco Liriano set down ten in a row between the third and the sixth innings. After he struck out Nick Swisher, OBVIOUSLY it was time for him to come out right then. Here's a tip: anytime you take a pitcher out after he's given up a run, you waited too long. I can't believe you're too dumb to see this.
3. You haven't won a World Series. Boom. Don't even try to argue with facts.
This is your fault, Gardy. It's your fault that none of your players could come through with the clutch hit. It's your fault that your pitching staff couldn't toss three straight shutouts against the most high-scoring offense in baseball. Forget that you've won six pennants in nine years; what about the big one, huh?
You should be fired right now.