The Real Reason for Playoff Losses

After yet another disheartening, soul-crushing loss, many of us are wondering, "Why? Why can't we beat the !@#!@$@@!#!#%$!#!#$ Yankees?" Sometimes, it feels like the Twins are trying to lose once they get to the playoffs. And you know what? It's because they are. Every member of the Twins organization is in on an insidious conspiracy that started in 1994, and will stretch Twins Territory's boundaries and maybe—just maybe—get them a Sunday night ESPN game.

Working in the Twins front office in the glory days of the late 80's and early 90's, Terry Ryan looked around and came to a glorious epiphany, rather like Billy Beane: The Twins were doing it all wrong. Ryan had seen the terrible effects constant winning could have on a fan base, noting that Yankees fans were horrible people, both stuck-up and spoiled. Therefore, he surmised, constant losing must be the way to go. Upon succeeding Andy MacPhail, Ryan immediately implemented his program. He secretly paid Kirby Puckett $5,000,000 to go "blind." He "forgot" to sign Travis Lee. Unfortunately, while the fans did not become debased like New Yorkers, they also stopped going to the games. Ryan knew a dramatic rethinking was in order.

His solution: Win enough in the regular season to draw the fans, yet never win in the postseason. This accomplished two goals at once: it would keep fans coming to the games, and fill them with a burning hatred of their manager, therefore drawing attention away from Ryan. Gardy, however, was not just a clueless rube. Ryan had made a speech to the entire organization the day before the 2001 season, outlining his goal: eventually, with enough playoff losses, people would start claiming there to be a 'curse' against the Twins, and there would be a huge rush of bandwagon fans, as seen with the Cubs and the Red Sox. The system took a while to perfect. The first year, 2001, the Twins were worried about how they were running away with their division, and tried to make it a closer race. They overdid it. The next year, they made the playoffs, and accidentally won the ALDS. That night, Ryan called Gardy and told him, "This travesty can never happen again." Gardy, chastened, made sure his relievers gave up 10 runs in the seventh inning of Game 5 in the ALCS. From there on out, every time the Twins got too close to winning, Gardy would either: a) Pinch-hit Kubel b) Send in Rincon c) Yell at Nick Punto to grit it out and run home. To create the appearance of a dynamic, changing organization, Ryan stepped down in favor of Bill Smith. Don't be fooled. Ryan is the Vladimir Putin to Smith's Medvedev. The Twins have perfected the recipe as of late, and are beginning to reap the benefits. Whispers of "curse" echo through the halls of the internet, even in the fortress of SI (Tom Verducci). Soon, Tom Kurkijian will opine that the Twins have an incurable complex against the Yankees, and Terry Ryan will know that he has won.