Joe Mauer finally had enough. After a disappointing road trip where the Twins went 1-5, Mauer finally returned to the lineup, only to see the Twins lose twice more. Mauer was about to explode. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. He wanted to shriek profanities like a more-drunk-than-usual SSS’er after a Thome walk-off home run!
Mauer burst into the clubhouse to give everyone a piece of his mind!
"Gosh darn it," Mauer said, raising his voice very slightly. "Losing stinks."
Driven insane with disappointment, Joe Mauer makes what he believes to be an obscene gesture. Everyone else misinterprets Mauer's hand motion as a high-five.
Mauer decided it would be best to take some advice from his favorite Twins blog, Twinkie Town. Judging by the comments there, everyone wanted him to hit five consecutive home runs go completely crazy to inspire the team. A bit of inspired vandalism leadership would get the Twins back on track!
Mauer also thought about getting into a huge fistfight with the rest of the team. But for a moment, nagging doubts nibbled at the back of his mind. Somewhere, within the passive-aggressive, stereotypically-Midwestern recesses of his mind, Mauer’s conscience was dying to be heard.
Just then, a tiny Jessy S-shaped angel appeared on Mauer’s shoulder! And it warned Mauer of the dire consequences of starting a clubhouse brawl:
We are looking at 20 years of hard labor for the entire team if it happens. Meanwhile, the 2011 Twins see an average of only 200 people show up for games at Target Field. That is something we don’t want.
Mauer agreed that this was sound advice.
But then, out of nowhere, a tiny seanblue-shaped devil revealed itself on Mauer’s other shoulder! And it had some tempting advice too:
If Joe Mauer wants to earn his millions in my eyes, he should take a bat to the clubhouse and destroy every piece of furniture in it, the food, the drinks, hit 1.000, and then turn around to his manager and tell him to wake up, dude, before the best season in Twins history turns into another gulp of sour grapes.
Mauer was torn.
But he could always put their advice together. Trash the clubhouse, don’t start a brawl. Earn his millions, without the hard labor!
What could have been, if Mauer was a real leader: Mauer cheers, after kicking that guy in the balls.
So Mauer did his worst. He wrecked the clubhouse in ways only someone as twisted as himself could imagine...
He refused to take off his shoes when entering the clubhouse, tracking in a small amount of dirt!
Instead of turning the faucet completely off, he left it dripping, just almost off!
He did his teammates’ laundry, like he always did, but this time he "forgot" to iron their uniforms!
And worst of all, he tore the tag off of a pillow that said "do not remove under penalty of law!"
Mauer knew the devastation he wrought upon the clubhouse would shock the Twins to their very core. This would motivate the team! This would get them back on track for the playoffs! Taking his car home, and feeling very smug with himself, Mauer even let himself drive 61 in a 60 mph zone.
At press time, Mauer was reportedly writing letters of apology to the Ron Gardenhire, Bill Smith, Bud Selig, and Governor Tim Pawlenty for "bringing disgrace to the Twins and to even-tempered Minnesotans everywhere."