Hire This Man: Mike Redmond

Over at startribune.com, the great Joe Christensen spoke to former Twins catcher and continuing American hero, Mike Redmond. The grizzled backstop has some nice words for Twins fans:

"Without a doubt my favorite years were the five years I spent in Minnesota," Redmond said. "The fans were tremendous. They made me feel so welcome and appreciated me so much. I'm grateful to them for everything they did for me."

Dear Twins front office: Hire this man. For something. For anything. Hire him as a roving instructor, or as a instructional-league coach, or to instruct Drew Butera and Jose Morales on how to shave using only foul tips.

In honor of the catcher, allow us to reprint our Top Ten Facts About Mike Redmond:

• Mike Redmond shaves each morning by taking foul tips off of his face.
  
• The only time a ball is actually a "dead ball" is after it hits Mike Redmond.
  
• The disabled list does not exist in Mike Redmond's world.  For Mike Redmond, there are only two lists: "Active" and "Dead."
  
• New cars with automatic transmissions are not built with a clutch.  New cars with automatic transmissions are now built with a Mike Redmond.
  
• Webster's Dictionary recently added three new cuss words, thanks to Mike Redmond getting excited during a game against the White Sox.
  
• Mike Redmond does not go to the opposite field.  The opposite field comes to Mike Redmond.
  
• Several well-respected medical textbooks now refer to bruises as "Mike Redmond suntans."
  
• Mike Redmond actually CAN smell RBIs.  They smell like tasty barbecued ribs.
  
• In the past, Chris Heintz has been on the major league roster to provide insurance in case Mike Redmond has to leave the game with an injury.  Chris Heintz has never attended a major league baseball game, ever.
  
• Mike Redmond is never called for catcher's interference.  The batter is called out for being dumb enough to hit Mike Redmond with the bat.