As noted earlier, Twins 1B Justin Morneau vented about Target Field's outfield dimensions to the Star Tribune. While that made the headlines, his other grievances were also noteworthy, if not enough to make the body of the article. In a Twinkie Town exclusive*, we bring them to you now:
*(exclusive because I am making them up)
- "Why aren't the Tragically Hip more popular here in the states? They're the best band ever! You hoseheads are missing the boat."
- "And I know this makes me sound like a Canada homer, too, but no poutine for the concession stand fries? Come on. At least get some for the clubhouse. And don't get me started on the lack of ketchup-flavored potato chips and Tim Horton's."
- "My Target coupons aren't working, either. I went to run some errands, and I got charged full price for everything! Full price! They owe me $2.75."
- "Also, don't give me that Market Pantry bullshit. The coupons say Archer Farms, and I want Archer Farms."
- "Have you seen what the NHL is doing with the All-Star Game? What's that all about?"
- "Hey, off the record, credit it to a 'member of the Twins organization' if you want? TC Bear isn't really a bear. It's a costume with a dude inside it. Pretty sure it's Denny Hocking."
- "Quantitative easing seems like a step in the right direction as far as getting the economy moving, but everyone's still talking about that crazy witch lady in Delaware. She didn't even win!"
- "You can tell yourself that putting ketchup on a hot dog or a brat is fine all day long, but you're just lying to yourself. It's wrong, and you effing know it. PRINT THAT."
- "I'm telling you this right now: jean shorts are back."
- "So, Taylor Swift: hot or not? I mean, she's mega-talented, but she's got a weird face. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's just...weird, y'know?"
- "All that being said, 'You Belong to Me' is my jam."
- "While we're on the subject, Mumford & Sons does nothing for me. I'm sorry."
- "Hey, I know it's a business, and we can't bring everyone back from last year, but they've gotta keep Pavano. Not so much because of the innings he eats, but without him, who's gonna keep an eye on Butera? Did you know that he goes to the convenience store by his place with a gas can and fills it up with a gallon of unleaded every day? Here's the kicker: he doesn't have a car! You can ask him about it, but he'll just get that faraway look in his eyes and start giggling. And he's always carrying around a sandwich bag full of lighters. I mean, what the hell."
- "Kristen Stewart couldn't act her way out of a wet paper sack. I can't be the only one who sees this, right? I know the Twilight movies aren't high art, but Jesus Christmas, is it that hard to emote?"
- "You know what pisses me off? When people say 'Daylight Savings Time." It's 'Daylight Saving Time.' Quit adding the 's' to 'saving," for Pete's sake."
- "You're not going to believe me, but I swear this is the absolute truth: you know those Silver Slugger awards that Mauer gets? He uses those for pretend Light Saber fights with his little brother. Someone needs to YouTube that shit, because it is unreal."