Fear Not: Twinkie Town Has A Disaster Recovery Plan

CONFIRMED: Teflon belongs on frying pans.

I know that most of you, upon seeing the horrifying footage of the Metrodome collapsing, were thinking the same thing as me: could the same thing happen to Twinkie Town?

The answer, of course, is no. We are a sports blog, not a three-decades-old air-supported dome, and so the only thing we have to worry about is hackers taking our site down because we censored Wikileaks. (We didn't, hackers! We have no idea what Wikileaks is! If the documents don't mention Dan Serafini, then we don't care!)

That doesn't mean, however, that we haven't been planning for such an eventuality. Jesse asked me long ago to put together a disaster recovery plan of our own, should something go wrong. We've kept this document a secret until now, but in light of recent public panic in the streets, we thought it best to share our plan with all of you. It's part of our ongoing commitment to Keeping You Informed ©. Our plan:

  • Over the past five years, each one of our writers has been required to contribute two jokes per month to our Nick Punto Strategic Joke Reserve. In the event of a catastrophe, Twinkie Town can continue to publish its regularly scheduled quota of Nick Punto jokes for roughly the next two years.
  • Due to the continuing possibility of global thermonuclear war, we have sent two of our writers to places nobody would ever attack: Jesse is in the UK, which nobody would bother with, and Stu is in Stearns County, which nobody wants to admit actually exists.
  • Plans are in place to run the same "Is This Chris Parmalee's Breakout Season?" post each spring for the next decade. (Note: this particular plan has been in effect for five years and nobody's noticed yet.)
  • Because we are bloggers, the "Repopulation of Site Following Catastrophe" section of our plan is, of course, blank. (/zing)
  • In the event of alien landings, we will lean on our contacts within the Twins organization to send Alexi Casilla as our representation. We're about 90% sure he'll be able to communicate with any invaders, no problem.
  • Should the global economy collapse, Trevour will create a new system of currency, which can be exchanged for awesome T-shirts. All we know right now is that John Bonnes will be on the ten-Redmond note (the currency is called Redmonds, of course, because we want it to be tough and, um, transparent), and Gardy will be on the twenty. Also we will peg the Redmond to the price of oil.
  • As for any other contingencies: You've seen Adam's posts, right? Pretty sure he and his computer can fix anything that comes up.

We hope that this post has calmed any fears you may have had about the collapse of Twinkie Town. To close, allow us to release this never-before-seen joke from the Nick Punto Strategic Joke Reserve, which should allay any fears you may have about the quality of these jokes:

Q: What's green and smells like red paint?
A: Nick Punto covered in green paint.

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