Mustaches = Twins Success

With the All-Star Break upon us, and the Twins tripping all over themselves going into the break (Seriously, Punto, pick up your feet when you run), I think its time to relax, crack a beer, and ponder the important things (facial hair, bacon, patriotism, etc...). 

As I laid around watching the Twins game today, watching Big Mustache deal to the Tigers, I was shocked to see Cuddy sporting a Fu Man Chu... Pavstache went 7.2, solid all around effort right when the team needed it the most. Ghengis Cuddyer went 2 for 3 with 2 BB, 2 RBIs and 1 R, solid day for Mustache #2.

It is now 8:30 EST and Anthony Slama is on the bump in the future games and what do we see on the upper lip? Yes, lip sweater blaring as he strikes out the batter to end the inning.

Is it time for the rest of the Twins to man up and grow some mustaches during the break? I think so.

I'm not going to lie, I can grow a pretty solid mustache for being 23 years old (I currently have had one a week longer than Pavano). I also feel like more of a man than most my age that wander Florida State's campus, regardless of how much time they spend in the gym... They don't offer the lip wisdom I have. I'll devote a handful of months yearly to growing mustaches for various reasons, mainly to be awesome.

I don't think that anyone can argue that the mustache has been detrimental to any baseball player, ever. Some could even consider it a performance enhancing device. Let us run down the Twins that are able to grow facial hair and what kind of boost in their play we could see.

Joe Mauer has been slumping, this is not news to any Twins fan. Would this Joe Mauer slump?

I think not. We're looking at career numbers with this Mauer. 

Morneau is currently sidelined with concussion symptoms... 

I'm sorry, but that Morneau only hands out concussions. Lumberjack Morneau is a perennial MVP with the ladies, too.

There is no doubt in my mind that Punto should grow out nasty mutton chops that connect to a Fu Man Chu, Hardy needs to round out the left side with a Magnum P.I. Stache.

As far as the starters go, Blackburn seems to be the most likely candidate for a facial hair make over. He has shown he has the skill to grow a solid face garden, but lets just see it contained on the upper lip. He could rival Pavano's and I'm sure his ERA would drift down into the low 4's as well has developing a knack to strike out batters looking (at his stache), finally bringing his K numbers to where they should be. 

Rauch needs to cap off the MMA look with some sort of nasty beard, I refuse to make any suggestions because he'll trace my IP address and hunt me down if he doesn't agree with me. 

Dan Haren can grow quite the neckbeard... think about it. I'm not sure what Roy Oswalt can bring to the table as far as facial hair goes... but I'd just be happy to have him at the table with a fake mustache.

That's just a small look at our Twins and the facial hair conundrum. So, what do you think? Do we need more facial hair? Suggestions, photoshops of players with 'staches, thoughts on bacon?