Stu's Trade Deadline Feature: The Case for Airwolf

Bonus: won't shake off Joe Mauer all the time, either.


The balance of the Twins trade deadline talk has centered around adding a starting pitcher, and the same names keep coming up:  Roy Oswalt, Dan Haren, Ted Lilly, etc.  While these are perfectly reasonable names to discuss, what becomes lost in the back-and-forth about no-trade clauses, extensions and how many prospects to give up is the obvious answer to the team's starting pitching woes: Airwolf.

THE FACTS

Now, critics may say that signing Airwolf is "too expensive," or "it's a TV helicopter, it doesn't have arms," but critics are jerks.  The following things are undeniable FACTS:

  • Airwolf is an "advanced supersonic helicopter with stealth capabilities and a formidable arsenal," just like Stephen Strasburg.  But can you FLY Stephen Strasburg?  No. No, you cannot.  ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
  • Airwolf first appeared in 1984 and is currently an unsigned free agent, just like Roger Clemens.  Unlike Clemens, Airwolf has never been associated with steroids or Mindy McCready.  ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
  • The home locker room in Target Field is said to be a vast improvement over the cramped quarters at the Metrodome.  Room enough for a supersonic helicopter?  OSHA and the City of Minneapolis Fire Code may well say that it would be an issue were Airwolf and Jose Mijares to share a locker room, but there has to be a work-around.  ADVANTAGE: KNOCKING A WALL OUT OR SOMETHING

THE NUMBERS

Airwolf's numbers also compare favorably to the other pitchers the Twins might be looking at:

Pitcher

GS

IP

H

HR

BB

SO

xFIP

Exp W-L (T)

eWPCT

Roy Oswalt

19

124.0

100

11

33

117

3.42

9.79 - 9.21

.515

Brett Myers

19

129.0

126

11

39

93

4.00

10.22 - 8.78

.538

Ted Lilly

16

104.0

92

18

25

75

4.62

7.34 - 8.66

.459

Dan Haren

20

135.0

155

21

27

133

3.42

8.96 - 11.04

.448

Ben Sheets

19

119.1

123

18

43

84

4.48

7.41 - 11.59

.390

AIRWOLF

Jan

Michael

Vincent

Is

The

Pilot

Case

[redacted]

Closed

 

As far as other '80s-era super machines, it's a slam dunk:

Super Machine

Pilot

Supporting Cast

Intangibles

Airwolf

J-MV as Stringfellow Hawke

Ernest Borgnine, a lady with '80s hair, and a guy with an EYEPATCH.

Hawke played a Stradivarius.  The soothing sounds of classical music are a perfect soundtrack for Michael Cuddyer's magic tricks.

KITT

David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight

Kitt was voiced by William Daniels, who later appeared on Boy Meets World.  Topanga never returns my fan mail.

Tricked-out helicopter > tricked-out car.

Blue Thunder

James Farentino as Lt. Frank Chaney

Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith and Dana Carvey

An advanced prototype police helicopter that needed a souped-up Econoline for ground support?  Weak.

Blanche Devereaux

All sexually active men in the greater Miami area

Betty White, Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur

Roughly Jamie Moyer's age.  Deceased.


THE FINAL ANALYSIS

As far as signability goes, it shouldn't be a problem.  Jan-Michael Vincent hasn't appeared in a movie since 2002, so he should be available for the veteran's minimum.

Here's how my preferred rotation stacks up:  Liriano, Pavano, AIRWOLF, Duensing, Baker, giving you lefty, righty, helicopter, lefty, righty.  If this looks familiar, it's because this is the same set-up that worked so well for the mid-'70s Oakland Athletics.  (The helicopter was Vida Blue.) 

Fortune favors the bold, Bill Smith.  Make it happen.

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