Stu's Trade Deadline Feature: The Case for Airwolf

by RandBall's Stu on Jul 23, 2010 7:00 AM EDT in Trade Deadline Feature

Bonus: won't shake off Joe Mauer all the time, either.

The balance of the Twins trade deadline talk has centered around adding a starting pitcher, and the same names keep coming up: Roy Oswalt, Dan Haren, Ted Lilly, etc. While these are perfectly reasonable names to discuss, what becomes lost in the back-and-forth about no-trade clauses, extensions and how many prospects to give up is the obvious answer to the team's starting pitching woes: Airwolf.

THE FACTS

Now, critics may say that signing Airwolf is "too expensive," or "it's a TV helicopter, it doesn't have arms," but critics are jerks. The following things are undeniable FACTS:

Airwolf is an "advanced supersonic helicopter with stealth capabilities and a formidable arsenal," just like Stephen Strasburg. But can you FLY Stephen Strasburg? No. No, you cannot. ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
Airwolf first appeared in 1984 and is currently an unsigned free agent, just like Roger Clemens. Unlike Clemens, Airwolf has never been associated with steroids or Mindy McCready. ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
The home locker room in Target Field is said to be a vast improvement over the cramped quarters at the Metrodome. Room enough for a supersonic helicopter? OSHA and the City of Minneapolis Fire Code may well say that it would be an issue were Airwolf and Jose Mijares to share a locker room, but there has to be a work-around. ADVANTAGE: KNOCKING A WALL OUT OR SOMETHING

THE NUMBERS

Airwolf's numbers also compare favorably to the other pitchers the Twins might be looking at:

Pitcher	GS	IP	H	HR	BB	SO	xFIP	Exp W-L (T)	eWPCT
Roy Oswalt	19	124.0	100	11	33	117	3.42	9.79 - 9.21	.515
Brett Myers	19	129.0	126	11	39	93	4.00	10.22 - 8.78	.538
Ted Lilly	16	104.0	92	18	25	75	4.62	7.34 - 8.66	.459
Dan Haren	20	135.0	155	21	27	133	3.42	8.96 - 11.04	.448
Ben Sheets	19	119.1	123	18	43	84	4.48	7.41 - 11.59	.390
AIRWOLF	Jan	Michael	Vincent	Is	The	Pilot	Case	[redacted]	Closed

As far as other '80s-era super machines, it's a slam dunk:

Super Machine	Pilot	Supporting Cast	Intangibles
Airwolf	J-MV as Stringfellow Hawke	Ernest Borgnine, a lady with '80s hair, and a guy with an EYEPATCH.	Hawke played a Stradivarius. The soothing sounds of classical music are a perfect soundtrack for Michael Cuddyer's magic tricks.
KITT	David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight	Kitt was voiced by William Daniels, who later appeared on Boy Meets World. Topanga never returns my fan mail.	Tricked-out helicopter > tricked-out car.
Blue Thunder	James Farentino as Lt. Frank Chaney	Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith and Dana Carvey	An advanced prototype police helicopter that needed a souped-up Econoline for ground support? Weak.
Blanche Devereaux	All sexually active men in the greater Miami area	Betty White, Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur	Roughly Jamie Moyer's age. Deceased.

THE FINAL ANALYSIS

As far as signability goes, it shouldn't be a problem. Jan-Michael Vincent hasn't appeared in a movie since 2002, so he should be available for the veteran's minimum.

Here's how my preferred rotation stacks up: Liriano, Pavano, AIRWOLF, Duensing, Baker, giving you lefty, righty, helicopter, lefty, righty. If this looks familiar, it's because this is the same set-up that worked so well for the mid-'70s Oakland Athletics. (The helicopter was Vida Blue.)

Fortune favors the bold, Bill Smith. Make it happen.

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Comments

hillarious

by twinscrazy_german on Jul 23, 2010 7:33 AM EDT reply actions

Rec'd

I’m featuring this, too.

Seriously, the funniest f*****g thing I have read in a long, long time.

by Jesse on Jul 23, 2010 7:34 AM EDT reply actions

I think the real question becomes,

If signed, would airwolf grow a stache?

by d-mac on Jul 23, 2010 8:20 AM EDT via mobile reply actions

I bet JMV could grow one.

by Jesse on Jul 23, 2010 8:25 AM EDT up reply actions

Surreal

and surawesome.

by KLP on Jul 23, 2010 8:24 AM EDT reply actions

Hahahaha awesome.

AIRWOLF was the shit!!!

by College Wolf on Jul 23, 2010 8:50 AM EDT reply actions

My favorite line

Here’s how my preferred rotation stacks up: Liriano, Pavano, AIRWOLF, Duensing, Baker, giving you lefty, righty, helicopter, lefty, righty.

I dribbled on my keyboard when I read that. Good work and way to bring some hilarity and optimism to the boards!

by TC Mooch on Jul 23, 2010 9:30 AM EDT reply actions

that WAS an awesome line

by twinscrazy_german on Jul 23, 2010 10:15 AM EDT up reply actions

my favorite line too

Souhan in Chinese! : "一會兒，德爾蒙楊想與他無關的隊友。不想讓他們打他。難道不希望他們偷了他的頭盔。不希望他們成為他的Facebook的朋友。"

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Jul 23, 2010 12:44 PM EDT up reply actions

+1

by Luke in MN on Jul 23, 2010 1:41 PM EDT up reply actions

Jeebus, that was wierd.

But pretty funny.

by ghost42 on Jul 23, 2010 9:44 AM EDT reply actions

Get 'em with the double whammy

Airwolf then submarine pitcher Pat Neshek. They’ll never be able to make an adjustment.

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
Minnesota Twins 2010: GAME 163 OR BUST!!!

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Jul 23, 2010 9:51 AM EDT reply actions

Blanche as a super machine

Wow. Just Wow.

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Jul 23, 2010 9:59 AM EDT reply actions

UNACCEPTABLE

You wrote a whole post about Airwolf and didn’t include a link to the greatest television theme song in the history of the universe?!

If this acquisition doesn’t happen, I believe that one of the current pitchers needs to adopt that as his at-bat music.

"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

by BeefMaster on Jul 23, 2010 10:16 AM EDT reply actions

My bad

I was too lazy to figure out how to embed the clip. You’re absolutely right.

by RandBall's Stu on Jul 23, 2010 10:21 AM EDT up reply actions

I believe that one of the current pitchers needs to adopt that as his at-bat music.

Brilliant!

"We're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude."
The Rivalry, Esq.

by JDMill on Jul 23, 2010 10:22 AM EDT up reply actions

While we're at it...

Let’s sign Kit from Knight Rider to play 3rd base. He’s fast, has great range, and the bonus is that most likely we can get Hasselhoff thrown into the deal.

"We're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude."
The Rivalry, Esq.

by JDMill on Jul 23, 2010 10:19 AM EDT reply actions

I was just talking about how this website was lacking on positivity lately

Thanks for giving me a reason not to nitpick the Twins, if only for a few minutes.

by bl4ckduck on Jul 23, 2010 10:26 AM EDT reply actions

read Luke's fanpost on our starters

lots of positives there

by twinscrazy_german on Jul 23, 2010 10:31 AM EDT up reply actions

I'm opposed

AIRWOLF can’t grow facial hair.

by DJL44 on Jul 23, 2010 11:28 AM EDT reply actions

but its a WOLF dammit

they start out with facial hair

plus he has a rotor, so thats almost like a ’stache

by twinscrazy_german on Jul 23, 2010 11:35 AM EDT up reply actions

Uh... we don't KNOW that.

"We're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude."
The Rivalry, Esq.

by JDMill on Jul 23, 2010 11:35 AM EDT up reply actions

AIRWOLF can still grow a better beard than Scott Baker

Souhan in Chinese! : "一會兒，德爾蒙楊想與他無關的隊友。不想讓他們打他。難道不希望他們偷了他的頭盔。不希望他們成為他的Facebook的朋友。"

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Jul 23, 2010 12:45 PM EDT up reply actions

Stu, Topenga doesnt return my fanmail either.

I can feel your pain.

Awesome story!

I always loved that one.

by FoulJack on Jul 23, 2010 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

This is probably the best article in SBNation history

The Short Fuse--An Arsenal Blog

by Ted Harwood on Jul 23, 2010 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

I wouldn't go that far

But I appreciate the compliment.

by RandBall's Stu on Jul 23, 2010 12:45 PM EDT up reply actions

a little hyperbole never hurt anyone, I guess

The Short Fuse--An Arsenal Blog

by Ted Harwood on Jul 23, 2010 12:48 PM EDT up reply actions

Hyperbole Schmyperbole

this is the greatest article in the history of the written language.

by BrockSamson on Jul 26, 2010 8:45 AM EDT up reply actions

I'd agree with you IF

Vicki from Small Wonder wasn’t still available.

by Luke in MN on Jul 23, 2010 1:51 PM EDT reply actions

Grade "A"

Though you would have gotten an A+ if you would have included on of those silly “Player A, Player B, Player C etc..” comparisons where the mystery player with the best stats miraculously is the subject of the article.

Bravo.

by guinness junky on Jul 23, 2010 2:20 PM EDT reply actions

This is awesome, Stu.

So entertaining.

The Pavstache will own you.

by fischean on Jul 23, 2010 2:25 PM EDT reply actions

has anyone ever told you

that your picture kinda looks like it could be a nazi ad when its minimized? i know its mauer…. but ya lol

by twinscrazy_german on Jul 23, 2010 5:02 PM EDT up reply actions

I am opposed to Acquiring Airwolf

Besides, General Lee is available. The bonus is that the Duke Boys and Daisy, could entertain our boys between games, and General Lee jumps too so we don’t need to worry about giving up a homerun while he is pitching. Since Airwolf needs to fly, a batter could just hit a line-drive homerun.

by Jessy S on Jul 23, 2010 3:14 PM EDT reply actions

I tried to like this twice.

But it just revoked my first like.

Flawed system.

by Jesse on Jul 23, 2010 3:48 PM EDT reply actions

lol, havent you heard of double negative? ;)

by twinscrazy_german on Jul 23, 2010 4:59 PM EDT up reply actions

Brilliant

Just brilliant.

by jtsanderson on Jul 23, 2010 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

Oh God

Now I have the Airwolf theme stuck in my head lol

"Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" "Germans?" "Forget it, he's rolling."

by VikesFaninNM on Jul 23, 2010 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

Ok, I'm taking allof you down with me!

Enjoy!!! I always loved that show.

Airwolf Season 4 Intro

"Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" "Germans?" "Forget it, he's rolling."

by VikesFaninNM on Jul 23, 2010 4:25 PM EDT up reply actions

Does anyone else remember the Airwolf game

for the NES?

Fricking impossible. You couldn’t land the damn thing without crashing. One of the two worst Nintendo games ever (along with Friday the 13th, which consisted of wandering aimlessly until an unkillable Jason found you and the game was over).

by matty_b on Jul 23, 2010 5:06 PM EDT reply actions