Yet another overanalysis of our bullpen (extra innings rant)

Nevermind looking at bullpen splits and observing that Twins relievers have the lowest ERA in the AL. Nevermind that our FO has been very good about acquiring great bullpen arms in spite of significant turnover this year. Nevermind that I have to edit a quiz and grade some papers for school tomorrow. I will never be content with our bullpen and must direct my rage appropriately.

There's a question that's been eating at my soul: Which relievers do we hate and why? All I know is that we don't win every game we turn over to the bullpen when we are in the lead and this is unacceptable.

I'm pretty sure this can be classified as a mindless rant, but I had fun writing it and hopefully you'll have fun reading it. More confusion after the jump

I've compiled a matrix below of our bullpen members below and a poor man's analysis of why we love or hate them. I am currently awaiting Adam Petersen's newly-invented metric that quantifies when to hate whom and why, but until then here's what I think is the vox populi of Twinkie Town:


Clever things we say about him

Current goings-on

Love or hate

Matt Capps

Crapps, Bust a Capp

Pitching much better than he did with the Pirates, but never good enough

Hate. If he doesn’t watch out his goatee will grow bigger and get bleached out and he’ll look too much like Bobby Jenks to ever root for again.

Jon Rauch

The Shank! Big Bad John

Recently upgraded to tallest person in Twins system. Responded to news with two quick scoreless outings.

Hate. He is not Joe Nathan. I don’t care how admirably he filled in as closer, his name is not Joe Nathan.

Brian Fuentes

...that he’s unavailable? That he should be in instead of Flores?

He’s pitched all of what, 1.1 innings?

Hate. You are not the dominant closer you once were, which is unacceptable. Plus, when you don’t pitch, Flores does.

Matt Guerrier

Matty G

In yet another dead-arm cycle, presumably needs to get a bit worse before it will improve again.

Hate. If your arm wasn’t capable of appearing in 80 games a year, then you should go to the DL every year. Chump.

Jesse Crain

Crain Train, Wrecking Crain

Without a doubt the best reliever we’ve had since June, which is nowhere near his potential if he could put it all together.

Hate. He gave up a run last night.

Jeff Manship

SS Manship

Eating innings admirably

Hate. If you were so good at your job, you would be named Brian Duensing

Randy Flores

Hell, I’d take Mahay over him

Pitching when Fuentes is not available.

Hate. You are not Brian Fuentes and never will be, not that we like him anyway.

Ron Gardenhire

How he should have handled that late-innings pitching decision

Too busy managing a team that’s closing in on yet another AL Central title to realize how awful he is at running the bullpen

Hate. It’s his fault every time we lose.

Relievers Past

Anthony Slama

Something about him slamming the door in AAA

Not living up to his moustache.

Hate. His ERA at the major league level was not 1.52 or whatever he put up at AAA this year.

Kyle Waldrop/ Rob Delaney

How they can do better than whatever bullpen artist just gave up a run

Not pitching for us in September. I hear they’re needed to assure fans that the AAA team is not a joke

Hate. They are not pitching scoreless innings on demand.

Ron Mahay

Mayday, that old guy that’s totally washed up

Finally taking our advice and not pitching for us anymore.

Hate. Thanks for nothing, you old fart.

Jose Mijares

Mayor McCheese

Taking a dive so he can enjoy some leisure time and a high-calorie diet as he recovers

Hate. I’m definitely more athletic than you yet I work in such a crappy job. Why are you so special?

Brian Duensing

Honestly, I don’t know. B-Duen? This man needs a legitimate nickname. If not for our sake, then for the sake of butchering broadcasters

Exceeding everyone’s expectations as a starter

Hate. That jerk left a huge hole in the bullpen.

Pat Neshek

Why the hell is he not back in the bullpen?

Not pitching at the MLB level for reasons that mystify us all

Love. He’s a fan’s fan and he’s our key informant in the Twins incompetent medical staff conspiracy theory.

Joe Nathan

How we’re using his insurance money this year

Falling behind in the “Which prospect from the AJ Pierzynski trade has been more awesome?” debate

Love. I mean, it’s not his fault he got injured. There’s a conspiracy theory against our medical staff for that.

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