Michael Cuddyer has departed for the thin air of Colorado, and the Twins need a new team leader. (Much was made of Cuddyer's leadership skills in the clubhouse, so they must be important, far more important than hitting or pitching well.) However, it's still undecided who's going to take over as the de facto team captain. Below, a look at some of the possibilities:
Pros: Loud. Tall. Canadian. In Canada the order of importance in society looks roughly like this:
- Prime Minister
- Captain of any NHL team
- Coach of Canadian world junior hockey team
- Maple Leafs GM
- Former member of "Kids In The Hall" comedy troupe
As you can see, captaincy is very important in Canada, and so all Canadians are automatically natural leaders.
Cons: Impossible to play through injuries when the injury is a head injury. (Unless you enjoy watching a guy with nausea, vertigo, and migraines try to play first base.)
Pros: Face of the franchise. Highest-paid player. Dreamy.
Cons: Would require Mauer to offend and/or yell at a fellow human being, something that's not in his makeup.
Pros: Consistently good, and now one of the longer-tenured Twins. Beard makes him look mean.
Cons: Inevitable comparisons to Torii Hunter will mean that eventually Span will have to try to punch Justin Morneau, miss, and hit Nick Punto.
Cons: Hard to be a leader when you play once every five days.
Pros: Third-longest-tenured Twin.
Cons: Would require him to talk.
Pros: Fourth-longest-tenured Twin.
Cons: Would require him to not anger the coaches every third start for one reason or another.
Pros: Has shocking, possibly useful ability to stay on the team through thick and thin.
Cons: Space case.
Pros: Local boy made good.
Cons: (Joke deleted after Perkins filed a grievance.)
Pros: Has giant, scary forearms.
Cons: Got here like two minutes ago.
The cupboard's a little bare, I'm afraid. Let's just hope that Morneau can stay healthy.