The Periodic Table of Twins

Well, I found a way to entertain myself after my science quizzes last week, and that was by taking the atomic number and connecting them to the Twins to make totally accurate predictions about the upcoming season. Looking back, I probably could have done better things with my time but hey, it was pretty fun.

Nishioka, #1. Nishi is like Hydrogen on the periodic table. Secretly (but not to those who are truly informed, like fans of this periodic table) they don't really belong in the first/starting group. (hydrogen is the only non metal on the metals side of the periodic table). Conclusion: We will not be signing/trading for any other Japanese players, and Nishi won't be a starter.

Span, #2. Denard is like helium. He is a special player and in the Noble Gasses/top players of the year. Denard has a uniqueness he came bring to the team, because unlike the rest of the Nobel gasses, he has 2 valence electrons/home runs (that's a bit of a stretch with valence electrons equaling homers but I wasn't feeling very creative when I was making this...) Conclusion: Denard will have a great season but will not find a sudden power streak. he will definately bring something good to the table this year.

Mauer, #7. Joe is obviously a huge part of this team. Nitrogen, #7 on the periodic table, makes up 79% of the earth's crust at sea level. I mean, come on. that's more than half the team. Gotta mean that he carry's the team on his shoulders this season. Conclusion: Joe Mauer will come back to his baby Jesus ways and all the doubters will be silenced. You know, cuz there is going to be too much nitrogen in the air and not enough oxygen so the doubters won't be able to breathe or something like that.

Revere, #11. Ben is going to be a little fire on the field this year repping sodium. He's in the first group so he's obviously starting, and since sodium is a alkali metal on the furthest left on the periodic table, he must be playing left field. And back to that little fire thing, like pure sodium, add some good old H2O and he'll spark up and burn whoever tries to stop him. Conclusion: Benny is going to be crazy awesome this year. Mostly because I think its awesome that pure sodium and water can start a fire. I mean, how cool is that?!?!

Casilla, #12. Alexi is magnesium, an alkaline earth metal (aka the second column of the periodic table). since he's in the second column, he's clearly playing second base. Magnesium is good to have in your body, but many Americans are magnesium deficient so he might get hurt, depriving us of his playing time. Conclusion: At second base, Lexi might get injured. Like, a lot.

Valencia, #19. Danny is potassium on the periodic table. The symbol for potassium is K, and since when i'm texting my nerdy science friends (who i love to death because I can relate to how they feel about science) instead of saying OK, I say potassium, so that clearly means Danny isn't going to have a spectacular season, but it will be OK. He's in the first column as well, so he'll still hold his starting job at the hot corner. Which is ironic because mixing potassium and water makes stuff burn. Which is clearly making it hot. Conclusion: Danny will probably be a little better than last year, but he's not going to be quite as awesome as his hot rookie season.

Baker, #30. Timmy is the same number as zinc. ...I can't come up with anything cool about zinc besides its used in many alloys/games and has a dull finish. So he's going to pitch a lot, but later in games he might implode. Conclusion: Expect Scott to pitch a lot of innings, but since he has a dull finish to games, he might be used in some alloys/games in the bullpen.

Morneau, #33. Justin "Arsenic" Morneau is a poison to the other teams. Since he's a metalloid, he has properties of both metals/batting and non-metals/fielding. Conclusion: Justin is going to make a huge impact on the team and return to the pre-concussion 2010 form.

Hughes, #38. Luke Hughes fits in nicely as strontium. Since it is in the alkaline earth metals, it is the second column. Because of the fact he's in the second group, he's going to be a bench player. Strontium is used to make fireworks, and since after homers there are fireworks, Luke will be atleast a power threat off the bench using his strontium/Aussie powers to hit homers. Conclusion: Ladies and gentlemen, we have found a decent bat on the bench.

Doumit, #41. (I have been busy so I'm not sure if it has been decided what number he's going to wear I'm assuming he's going to keep 41 and we can say goodbye to Sweet Drew *tears*) Niobium is a transition metal (number 411 on the periodic table), which is fitting because there needs to be some transition between one catcher to another on games when Joe doesn't play. Conclusion: Niobium is a boring element and has nothing interesting enough to draw a conclusion about baseball with. Come on, Niobium, stop sucking!

Liriano, #47. Frankie is silver. The way I was taught to remember the element symbol for silver is "Ah, gee, someone took my silver". "Ah, gee" is one of those phrases where if you say it one way and its a happy surprise, or you can say it with the "Oh Baseball Gods, kill me now.". Which well, that is Frankie in a nutshell. Conclusion: Ah gee, Frankie will have some great starts... But ah gee, those other ones... *shudders*

Pavano, #48. Cadmium is #48 on the periodic table. It is a soft metal used in low friction, fatigue-resistant alloys/games. However, cadmium is a very soft metal, so soft that it can easily be cut by a knife, so we can conclude that he will go under the knife at some point this season. Conclusion: Pavano will seem to pitch many meaningless games, but will give us a lot of innings until he has to have (hopefully minor) surgery.

Mijares, #50. Tin, #50 on the periodic table, is used as a coating on many alloys/games to prevent corrosion/losing because of the bullpen. So he's probably going to help with our bullpen problems by not sucking. Conclusion: We might have a decent season from Captain Cheeseburger. Maybe.

Swarzak, #51. Antimony shares the same number as Anthony (I'm quite entertained by how close they sound). He is used in a wide variety of alloys/game situations, especially with lead to make battery plates/pitch in long relief. Conclusion: Swarzak will again be our long man in the bullpen, but he'll make spot starts and other appearances as well.

Duensing, #52. Brian is the metalloid tellurium. It works well that he is a metalloid because he is right on the fence between metals/starting and non-metals/relief pitching. It seems as though he wil be in the bull pen, but don't forget he has some qualities of a metal/starter too and may make a few starts. Conclusion: Brian will be in the bullpen, because he is a lot like someone who is usually in the pen, but since he is also somewhat like a starter, he might make some more starts this year.

Blackburn, #53. Nick is iodine. He is poisonous to the other teams and useful, but since it is a non-metal, expect to see him at least spend some time in the bullpen. Conclusion: Blackie will have a great year, but it might be from the bullpen.

Slowey, #59. Kev just had to be a hipster and go down to the Lanthanoid series as praseodymium... The series is named after lanthanum, who has the element symbol of La. This clearly means he will be traded to the Dodgers. Conclusion: Bye bye, Kev, us fan girls will always love you.

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This is obviously exactly predicting what will happen this season to these players.... :) I don't know what number/what other players will be with us next year, so feel free to add anything down in the comments :)