It won't make the newspapers until Monday, but my sources in the Twins organization confirm that the Twins have traded pitcher Francisco Liriano. The Twins were wowed by a last minute mystery team offer that they just couldn't turn down. Who was the mystery team, you ask? None other than Island Records, the most mysterious of any mystery team.
You read it here first! You can't unread it!
Ace of the Future
If the Twins were going to trade Liriano, it had to be for a future ace. "We wanted someone we could turn into a star. Someone with a high ceiling. Someone with a built in fanbase. Someone like... Justin Bieber!" Twins GM Bill Smith announced to a crowd of teenage girls. "This is the best day ever!!! My favorite day to be a Twins fan!!!" screamed one fan. When asked how long she'd been a Twins fan, the girl replied "Today!!! But it's still my favorite day!!!"
While Bieber is very young, Smith is confident he'll be a future #1 starter for the Twins. "Liriano just didn't have that 'it factor.' He didn't have the mental stuff to be an ace. Bieber has experience. He knows what it's like to go out there in front of millions of fans and get it done. And look at his ERA: it's 0.00. Much better than Liriano's ERA!" Smith told the crowd.
Usher calls for a curveball, but Bieber shakes him off.
Scouts describe Bieber as "extremely raw, but with great upside." Bieber is noted for his potential, and also for his "dreaminess," according to one [10-year-old] [girl]scout. However, reaction in the sabermetric community has been mixed. Some note Bieber's abnormally low BABIP as a sign that he will not live up to his ace potential. But others are equally quick to note that he has a high BABIEBERIP, a new sabermetric stat that no one really understands. "His xBABIEBERIP is even better!" gushed Fangraph's Matt Klaassen.
Bieber is also reportedly already popular in the Twins clubhouse. "About time we added another Canadian!" was Justin Morneau's reaction to the trade. And Joe Mauer is already trying to get his hands on a signed Bieber jersey. Unfortunately, he's had no luck finding one. "Nicky Punto's been buying them all up, ya know..." said Mauer, blandly.
Everyone's a Critic...
While there are many Bieber supporters, there are just as many Twins fans critical of the trade. Many question the motives of Smith and manager Ron Gardenhire. "This is just Gardy living vicariously. Same as it was with Punto," posted cmathewson on TwinkieTown.com. "Everyone knows Gardy was in the Backstreet Boys right before they hit it big. Now, he wants Bieber to have the success that Gardy himself just missed."
Gardenhire denied this motivation. "The rumor that I traded for Bieber to relive my failed Backstreet Boys career is completely untrue," explained Gardy. "I just like pop singers who get after it. Bieber is a real gamer."
In the days before they were famous... the days Gardy dreams feverishly about...
Others bashed the trade, with many calling it "somehow even worse than the Delmon Young trade." The trade caused Carl Pavano's mustache to weep in shame. For a few days, Sweet Drew was too depressed to even lift a gas can. And many fans proclaimed the 2011 Twins season to be finished before it began. "I KNEW IT! I knew I was right to be pessimistic about this team!" wrote Twins fan cmb0252, shortly before he was run out of town by an angry teenage mob.
On a related note, most criticism of Bieber has been quickly suppressed. Often by violence. In fact, Bieber fans have so thoroughly intimidated the even-tempered, freckly-faced Twins fanbase that it is rumored that TwinkieTown.com will transition into BieberTown.com in upcoming weeks. Keep your eyes peeled for this exciting new development!