DicknBert will make the Guinness Book of World Records in August for mispronouncing one name the most different ways when Bert calls the Twins second baseman Sushi Neshak.

Bert will make Baseball Hall of Fame history when he starts his acceptance speech by farting "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

Police will question the Pavstache over anonymous threats made to Mauer's sideburns about "taking hair product endorsements that don't belong to you."

Alexi, Nishi and Morneau will create a new creole language called Span-Can-panese which will immediately be made the primary language of the United Nations.

Thome will mash so many taters, he will provide free lefse for all the underprivileged Norwegians in North Dakota.

Sweet Drew will hit for the cycle, if you count all his appearances as one game. And spot him a triple. And let him borrow one of Thome's taters.

Matt Tolbert will dominate the rock tumbler market for years to come by selling all the grit that LNP left behind.

The Royals and the Nationals will meet in the Minor League World Series.

Bill Smith will engineer a trade bring Cliff Lee, Albert Pujols and the reincarnation of Babe Ruth to the Twins for a box of bats. Twins fans will argue that the bats have a better upside.

Danny V will take advantage of his heart throb image to win David Cassidy's role in a remake of The Partridge Family.

Inspired, Gardy will parlay his looks into a guest shot on Swamp People.

On a national Game of the Week, an analyst will call the Twins outfield one of the best defensive units in baseball. It will take TwinkieTown a month to clean off the walls from all the heads that exploded at that moment.

Gardy wins second consecutive Manager of the Year award. It will take TwinkieTown two months to clean off the walls from all the heads that exploded at that moment.

All predictions about this season will be wrong, including this one.

Finally, anti-bullying legislation does not stop the Twins from dominating the Central Division in 2011. However, the team is required to give the White Sox their lunch money back.