Fearless predictions for the 2011 MLB Season

by wayback on Mar 29, 2011 10:06 AM EDT

DicknBert will make the Guinness Book of World Records in August for mispronouncing one name the most different ways when Bert calls the Twins second baseman Sushi Neshak.

Bert will make Baseball Hall of Fame history when he starts his acceptance speech by farting "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

Police will question the Pavstache over anonymous threats made to Mauer's sideburns about "taking hair product endorsements that don't belong to you."

Alexi, Nishi and Morneau will create a new creole language called Span-Can-panese which will immediately be made the primary language of the United Nations.

Thome will mash so many taters, he will provide free lefse for all the underprivileged Norwegians in North Dakota.

Sweet Drew will hit for the cycle, if you count all his appearances as one game. And spot him a triple. And let him borrow one of Thome's taters.

Matt Tolbert will dominate the rock tumbler market for years to come by selling all the grit that LNP left behind.

The Royals and the Nationals will meet in the Minor League World Series.

Bill Smith will engineer a trade bring Cliff Lee, Albert Pujols and the reincarnation of Babe Ruth to the Twins for a box of bats. Twins fans will argue that the bats have a better upside.

Danny V will take advantage of his heart throb image to win David Cassidy's role in a remake of The Partridge Family.

Inspired, Gardy will parlay his looks into a guest shot on Swamp People.

On a national Game of the Week, an analyst will call the Twins outfield one of the best defensive units in baseball. It will take TwinkieTown a month to clean off the walls from all the heads that exploded at that moment.

Gardy wins second consecutive Manager of the Year award. It will take TwinkieTown two months to clean off the walls from all the heads that exploded at that moment.

All predictions about this season will be wrong, including this one.

Finally, anti-bullying legislation does not stop the Twins from dominating the Central Division in 2011. However, the team is required to give the White Sox their lunch money back.

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Span-Can-panese which will immediately be made the primary language of the United Nations...

Meanwhile our Center Fielder who can’t understand why he can’t understand the language, will file lawsuits for wrongful (and confusing) use of name.

by alstevenmann on Mar 29, 2011 11:21 AM EDT reply actions

Sweet Drew will hit for the cycle, if you count all his appearances as one game. And spot him a triple. And let him borrow one of Thome’s taters.

I particularly enjoyed this one…but wait…so you’re saying Sweet Drew will hit a double this year?…

by lkaervek on Mar 29, 2011 12:51 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Hahaha...

I like these predictions. Bold.

"Tsuyoshi Nishioki" -John Gordon, about 500 times this summer

by fischean on Mar 29, 2011 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Agreed

Here’s one more:

The Labor-Day Week series vs Chicago will result in Joe Mauer splitting his pants because of a wild pitch by Liriano, and causing Ozzie Guillen’s head to explode because one of his players did something right by stealing Target Field home plate and taking it back to the hotel with him. The search will end the next morning with an assist from serial base-stealer Rickey Henderson. The Result, AJ is forced to spend the rest of the season as the Twins Bullpen catcher.

by Jessy S on Mar 29, 2011 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

Bat trade + exploding head cleanup bits = I LOLd, I did, I really did.

by tobynotjason on Mar 29, 2011 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

Hilarious

Rec’d, obviously.

by dctwin on Mar 29, 2011 2:54 PM EDT reply actions

All predictions about this season will be wrong, including this one.

You have an inbuilt catch 22 there

by twinscrazy_german on Mar 30, 2011 7:20 AM EDT reply actions

No, that's a paradox.

A catch 22 is when the means to pass a barrior requires not being behind the barrior. For example: You want to gain job experience as a commercial driver, but all commercial driver positions everywhere (for some unknown reason) forever require previous commercial driving experience.

"Just fire it through the internet." -Gardy

by Flip27 on Mar 30, 2011 5:50 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

Actually, a catch 22 is trying to tag out Carlos Gomez in a run down

"You're thinking too much. Just have fun." -- Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez in Sandlot

by cmathewson on Mar 30, 2011 6:21 PM EDT up reply actions 4 recs

This was great!

Thanks. I needed a laugh so bad. I laughed so hard I couldn’t see the page anymore. I laughed so hard, I wished I could somehow become this funny! Now all I can think about is how I’m going to get some of those smooth, irrisistable polished rocks!

by Brooklynegg on Apr 7, 2011 7:54 AM EDT reply actions