MINNEAPOLIS - Today, the Twinhua News Agency has released an official announcement declaring that nothing whatsoever is wrong with the Minnesota Twins, and any information to the contrary is merely the murmurings of capitalist running dogs that are determined to overthrow the Twins at all costs.
"Take Joe Mauer," says the release. "The only story here is that nothing is wrong with Joe Mauer. In fact, we will be releasing a story later today, titled 'Joe Mauer: It's Truly Amazing How Much Nothing Is Wrong'. We expected him to have only one extra-base hit and to have thrown out only one base runner. If you check our archives, you will find that this is exactly what we forecast. The knee is fine. Examination of the records will prove that Joe Mauer does not even have knees."
Alexi Casilla, too, is off to a slow start, having been unable to field or hit so far in 2011, but the release says that nothing is wrong with the shortstop. "Casilla is an integral part of the team, and his play has been top-notch. And his beard is long and beautifully flowing. We imagine that Thor would have had such a beard, had he existed outside Norse mythology."
As for the offense as a whole, Twinhua seems a bit more bullish about a lineup that, by almost any measure, is currently the most anemic in baseball. "The batting order is easily the most powerful collection of hitters anywhere in organized baseball today," says the release. "Truly, such a collection of hitters has never been assembled before. Any lack of success is due to either false rumors produced by illegal revolutionaries, or due to conspiracies by mongrel lapdog opposing fielders to stand directly in the path of the hits produced by Twins batters."
Though some have called for changes, the official release insists that none are needed, saying "We must reiterate that absolutely nothing is wrong. This hits will come. The errors will cease. The pitchers will stop walking every third batter. Michael Cuddyer will stop swinging like a girl. Soon, you will understand that this has been our plan all along."