(First an explanation: For those of you not doddering off to the nursing home, there used to be a thing called "folk music" performed performed by unkempt men and lovely women known as "folk musicians." Today folk music is mainly performed by geezers who show up for pledge drives on public television and Bruce Springsteen. Folk music eschewed things like electricity and rhythm and the songs ranged from silly kids tunes to emo in earth tones.
In order to pretend they had an audience, large groups of folk musicians would attend each others' concerts and since no one else showed up, they'd all start playing together. These gathering were known as hootenannies, for no good reason.)
The Twins were discouraged by a poor start to the 2011 season. With Nick Punto no longer around, there was no one around to spread around grit to stiffen the boyz' spines, gladden their hearts and lift their spirits. Sensing that something urgently needed to be done, Scotty Ullger grabbed his magic banjo and gathered the team for a hootenanny, sure that it would rejuvenate their bats and reverse their fortunes.
The next day, after explaining for the 25th time what a hootenanny was, Ullger got the music rolling with a plaintive ballad of the lonely man behind the plate. (For the two of you who actually like folk music, I put the name of the original tune after the lyrics.)
I dreamed I saw Joe Mauer last night
Much taller than you or me
Said I "Oh Joe you're one for eight"
"Never mind," said he, "I'll still bat .343."
Jovial Joe Mauer took the hint and was the first to get into the spirit of the event and offered a lively tune.
Lonesome Ron Gardenhire came in with a song about his managing philosophy.
If I have a shortstop
I'll bat him second
Even if he hits just .109
Cause he will bunt it
Whenever I ask him
Cause playing for one run
is what we call the gritty Twins Way
(If I had a hammer)
LIttle Danny V offered a silly camp song he learned in the boy scouts last month.
Little Justin Morneau
running all the bases
scoring lots of runs
till they bopped him on his head
(Little Bunny Foo Foo)
The newest Minnesota Twin sang plaintively and apologetically.
Hang down your head Nishioka
Hang down your head and cry
You've got to avoid Nick Swisher
He'll get you with a takeout slide
The entire bullpen picked up their guitars and wailed out this song in unison.
Do you remember Sweet Drew from last year
He caught Pavano and let nobody near
Somebody else caught opening day
Drew says that somebody is going to pay
(Sweet Betsy from Pike)
Cowboy Cuddyer and Down Home Delmon rounded out the evening with this sweet, sad duet.
Oh you take left field
and I'll take right field
and Span will catch ball before us
cause we have the wheels of a broken down Yugo
on the green green grass of Target Field
(For those of you who think I am hating on folk music, I happen to be one of the oppressed minority of folk music fans. I've just learned to live with and mock the 99 percent of America with deficient taste.)