Stung by a rash of illnesses and injuries, the Twins have turned to an unlikely source for help - the power of the divine.In what analysts are calling an "unconventional" move to combat their team's recent health problems, the Minnesota Twins announced today that they are adding Tanis Moonblade, an eighth-level half-elf cleric, to the team's training staff. Moonblade's array of healing and protective spells are expected to be a boon to a team that has struggled with a variety of ailments en route to a disappointing 9-13 start to the season.
"Quite frankly, this move is long overdue," said Twins general manager Bill Smith. "If we'd had a Cure Disease spell available two weeks ago, Joe (Mauer) would already be back in the lineup. (Tsuyoshi) Nishioka's already ahead of schedule thanks to a couple rounds of Cure Serious Wounds. I am pretty surprised we're the first ones to think of this."
This is Moonblade's first job in Major League Baseball. He previously served as the party healer for the Defenders of Phlan adventuring party until being let go last month in a cost-saving maneuver, when the group decided that they were able to get by with a high-level paladin and Potions of Healing.
Said Moonblade, "I'm excited to join the Twins organization. I've heard good things about the team from Lew (Ford, a fighter/rogue with the Defenders), and I understand that Michael Cuddyer is a low-level sorcerer, so hopefully that will help me fit in."
It's not just Moonblade's healing spells that are expected to be a boon for the Twins. His Bless and Prayer spells, cast before games, should be a great help to high-THAC0 players like Drew Butera, and Protection from Evil could help the team continue their recent dominance against the Chicago White Sox. But that's not all the Twins have in mind for Moonblade.
"You know, a well-timed Hold Person spell can be a pretty powerful thing," stated Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. "Need a looking strikeout? Want Delmon to stop swinging at the first pitch? Just say the words, and there you go."
As an added bonus, Moonblade needs only 1,298 experience points to reach level nine, which will grant him access to fifth-level clerical spells. When that happens, joked Smith, "we might have to have him try out his Raise Dead spell on Alexi Casilla's career."
Rumors immediately began circulating that the New York Yankees would attempt to counter the move by signing a higher-level adherent of the dark god Bane. Those rumors could not be confirmed at press time, as the entry to the Yankees' offices was blocked by what appeared to be a Blade Barrier spell.