Speaking from his Park Avenue office, Selig stated that "this move, while bound to be unpopular in some circles, in in the best interests of baseball. We need to address the competitive imbalance between large-and-small-confidence organizations."
While some had called for increasing parity between the Twins and Yankees by not scheduling any games featuring the two squads, Selig said this was not an acceptable option. "There are members of the fanbase community who need to see the Yankees pound the Twins," Selig said. "They are a minority, but they are consenting adults who enjoy, shall we say, the gift and/or reception of owies. They have significant representation among both Yankees and Twins supporters, and we couldn't let them down by just skipping this annual rite of whuppage." When asked to elaborate, Selig cut the matter short, growling that "this is a family-friendly interview. Don't make me spell it out."
(Unconfirmed sources indicated that Selig was shortly thereafter phoned by his wife, who reportedly asked the commissioner to go ahead and spell it out.)
The Yankees will face additional measures meant to lend a shred of mystery to the outcome of the games. Closer Mariano Rivera will not be allowed to pitch to more than one batter or in more than one game, while Twins closer Joe Nathan will not be allowed to pitch barring a 15-run Twins lead. All-Star infielders Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez will be required to split time in catcher's gear. And Twins players will undergo advanced pre-game hypnotherapy treatments to convince them that they actually play for a team with a chance against New York, such as Kansas City.
"I'm all for it," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire commented upon hearing the news. The manager said he was considering many players to fill the one available opening for facing Rivera but was leaning towards a left-handed hitter. "Someone like Kubel," Gardenhire offered. "That's a matchup which works for us."
Yankees manager Joe Girardi was nonplussed. "This makes our work harder," he admitted, "but as long as baseball doesn't touch our stash of Twins voodoo dolls, the end result will be the same."