Coping Strategies for Twins Fans; Or, Why Would You Do That to Your Ears?

A lot of young Twins fans come up to me and say, "Hey, old man, what did you do when the Twins sucked back when you were a kid? And aren't these giant discs in my earlobes tight?"

I usually answer the second question first: "You look like an idiot. You will never, ever get a decent job. I'm now going to throw garbage at you." Once I've thrown all my garbage and they've ceased sobbing, I answer the first question thusly:

"I've seen things no man should see. I've seen Scott Aldred and Scott Klingenbeck pitch multiple games. I've seen Dave Engle represent the Twins in an All-Star Game. I've seen Tom Kelly start Mike Maksudian. I've seen Willie Norwood and Chad Allen play in the outfield. I've seen sure things like Willie Banks, Pat Mahomes and David McCarty flame out. I've seen the Twins use Brad [redacted] Havens as their opening day starting pitcher. I've seen fans argue about whether or not we can afford to sign Pat Meares to a long-term contract. I've seen the Twins deny that Rob Wilfong and Jeff Reboulet were the same damn guy and everyone pretend that they're not the same guy EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THE EXACT SAME [REDACTED] MUSTACHE AND WERE BOTH UTILITY INFIELDERS AND JESUS CHRISTMAS DO I HAVE TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS!!?!??!?"

"No, man. But what did you do?"

"When I was a kid, I just figured that some day we'd be as good as the Kansas City Royals, and eventually we were. When I was older, I just figured that all those high draft picks would turn into something that resembles a contender some day, and eventually they were. What I'm saying is, be patient."

"That sucks."

"Yes. Yes, it does. Here, let me buy you a beer. And take those goddamn things out of your ears."

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