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Sources: Time-Traveling Slowey "Person of Interest" in Kidnapping of Lindbergh Baby

Authorities in New Jersey have confirmed that Minnesota Twins starting pitcher Kevin Slowey is "a person of interest" in the kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh's son, and they've taken the extraordinary step of re-opening the closed case file of one of the most celebrated crimes in American history.

Although no official with the Federal Bureau of Investigation could confirm the reasons for this, one person with knowledge of the situation said that the impetus comes entirely from information provided by the Minnesota Twins organization and reporters covering the franchise.  "They're convinced he did it," said the source.  "And the evidence they've provided deserves a fair hearing."

Charles Lindbergh, Jr., was 20 months old when he was kidnapped from the Lindbergh family home in Hopewell, New Jersey in 1932.  He was found dead two months later, and Bruno Hauptmann, a local carpenter and ex-convict, was convicted of the crime and executed in 1936.

No Twins officials would comment publicly due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, but two team employees said that they had been in touch with the FBI.  "We saw him reading Wired Magazine in the cold tub," said a front office employee. "You know what they had on the cover of that thing?  Time travel. Had one of the clubhouse attendants pick it up later, and there's a whole article in there about it."

A senior member of the field staff went further.  "I mean, I've got guys going out there and competing, and there's Slowey over there with his nose buried in some science rag," said the second staffer.  "Figured there had to be a good reason, and sure enough, he's reading about wormholes and (stuff).  Chrysler, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together.  He was gonna go on the DL again, use the days off to build a time machine, then go back in time and steal the Lindbergh baby.  What else would you need it for?"

Local media members, while also reluctant to give their identity, have confirmed that they've also spoken with federal authorities.  "Yeah, I talked to ‘em," said one writer. "I'm pretty sure he didn't build a time machine, but he's a total dick, so I figure let him dangle."

Slowey, who is on the disabled list with an abdominal strain, wasn't saying much when asked to comment.  "I'm just going to let the legal system run its course, and that's all I'll say about it," said the pitcher.  "You'll have to excuse me, I just downloaded the tuNe-YarDs album and want to make up my own mind.  They're pretty obscure, you wouldn't know about them."  Slowey then put his headphones on and started reading Robert Caro's Master of the Senate.

The Twins, a major league worst 16-32, open a weekend series with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim tonight at 7:10, and the Slowey incident is the latest in a series of distractions.  But the senior management source was adamant that this wouldn't affect the team.

"Kidnapping and time travel are not what we're about here, and it won't be for as long as I'm here," said the source.  "Solid fundamentals, playing the game the right way, stepping up, that's Twins baseball.  (Darn) wormholes."

Comment 11 comments  |  6 recs  | 

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Slowey is innocent!

1st, he has a mild abdominal strain. How could he possibly climb a ladder to the 2nd story of the Lindbergh’s house?

2nd, kidnapping the Lindbergh baby has been so done before, so mainstream.

3rd, the 1930’s were the Depression, so fin, so not Slowey. If he had a time machine, and he probably does, he would travel to the way deck, PoMo future.

Apologize to Kevin Slowey!

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"Wow!!!!! Epic collapse unfolding!!!" -Danny Valencia

by less cowbell, more 'neau on May 27, 2011 9:46 AM EDT reply actions  

Game, Set, Match.

There’s no arguing with that logic.

by sw mn guy on May 28, 2011 7:04 PM EDT up reply actions  

Hipster Kevin Slowey?

Bucky's 5th Quarter The best site for Badger news on the web!

Follow me on Twitter for the latest Badger Bits @JohnVeldhuis

On, Wisconsin!

by John Veldhuis on May 27, 2011 9:48 AM EDT reply actions  

Hipster Kevin Slowey is an excellent new Twins meme

That is all.

"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

by BeefMaster on May 27, 2011 10:18 AM EDT reply actions  

Not your best effort Randball Stu

1. Kidnapping is a serious crime

2. Kevin Slowey doesn’t even have the strength to build the time machine or anything else without feeling pain.

3. A much better column could have involved Joe Mauer’s diary.

I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew

by Jessy S on May 27, 2011 10:54 AM EDT reply actions   2 recs

Jesse S

Kidnapping IS a serious crime. But what about the funny kidnappings that take place in hilarious comedies? Have you ever SEEN ‘Ruthless People’? Very funny. ‘Saw’? HILLARIOUS.

I always loved that one.

by FoulJack on May 27, 2011 2:57 PM EDT up reply actions   2 recs

The King of Comedy?

The Big Lebowski?
Misery?

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"Wow!!!!! Epic collapse unfolding!!!" -Danny Valencia

by less cowbell, more 'neau on May 27, 2011 3:32 PM EDT up reply actions  

You know who would find kidnapping hilarious? Kevin Slowey, that's who!

How do we know that you’re not Kevin Slowey?

"Nobody wants to hear me rap." - Joe Mauer
"METEOR" - JIM THOME

by what_would_gil_thorp_do on May 27, 2011 3:35 PM EDT up reply actions   1 recs

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