"Now, I'm a giver, but you gotta meet me halfway here. I can't help you until you believe that you can change."
Today, with an off day on the schedule, we turn our attention to you, the reading public. The Twins coaches may seem gruff and aloof when they're on the field, but really they're all about helping - helping players improve, helping connect the team with the public, and helping that third-base umpire understand that he would have made that call much more correctly if he would only consider letting his seeing-eye dog do the umpiring. With that in mind, we present Ask A Twins Coach, the advice column for imaginary people!
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: My wife and I are fighting over our housing situation. She is happy where we are, but we have three young kids and only three bedrooms and one bathroom in our house. I would like more room, especially so that when we have guests over they don't have to sleep on the fold-out couch. My wife says that there are too many good memories in our house to just pull up and move. What should we do?
Ron Gardenhire: Well, that's a tough one, you know. You're out there getting after it, and that's all we ask, but that's a tough situation. My advice to you is to carry three catchers. It just makes a man feel safe.
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: My daughter just turned 12 and is "acting out" more and more. She is constantly pushing us to let her dress more fashionably for school, but we're afraid she's growing up much too fast. It seems like only yesterday she was a little girl, and now it's all Bieber and eyeliner and frankly, I'm not sure she's ready for all of this. How can we ease her into the next phase of her life?
Joe Vavra: You think you've got problems; I've gotta try to tell Delmon Young that he's swinging like an arthritic Korean War veteran with two artificial hips. It's like telling a brick wall it's not using enough leverage at the plate. Tell you what, if you can convince Delmon that maybe being the DH would keep him from looking like he's trying to field fly balls with a washtub, I'll deal with your daughter's problems until she's through college. I mean it.
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: One of my co-workers has been coming in late, and he smells more strongly of peppermint schnapps every week. We've all been pitching in to pick up the slack because we feel bad since he was in that accident, but none of us can carry the load for him. At what point should we tell our supervisor about his lateness and drunkenness?
Steve Liddle: HOME! GET THERE GET THERE GET THERE! GO GO GO GO aw shoot. I hope nobody saw that- oh, who are you kidding, Steve, everybody saw that. Look pensive. Look thoughtful. This is why you bought the glasses. Oh no, I think Gardy's looking over here - he looks mad... why did I ever ask him to let me coach third? Why didn't I stay in the dugout where I belong? No, come on, Steve, get it together, don't let them see you cry...
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: I've been invited to the wedding of a couple who "jumped the gun" a bit, so to speak, and are due to have a baby one month before the wedding day. Am I required to purchase both a baby shower gift and a wedding gift for the couple, or should I assume that one or the other is sufficient?
Scott Ullger: LIDDLE! Are you blind? Why would you send that guy home? Jeez, I hope I didn't look that stupid when I coached third. And I gotta find out how Liddle dealt with the smell when all our guys are in here. It smells like somebody torched a rubber balloon filled with methane.
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: My best friend and I now live in different cities. We try to keep in touch via phone and Facebook and stuff, but it's just hard to be close when we don't see each other more than once a year. Should I try to move on and make good friends here in town, or would that be almost like betraying my friend? I don't want to ruin my friendship but I feel lonely.
Jerry White: Leave me out of this. You got an arm guard for me to hold? Know how many outs there are? Then that's as far as I go.
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: I've been dating two guys. One of them has a great job but is sort of boring; the other one is fun and witty but completely broke, like philosophy-major broke. They both recently found out about the other and are demanding that I choose. Do I follow my brain... or my heart?
Rick Anderson: Ma'am, I could answer that question, but I'd be betraying the Code of Mustaches laid down in 1880 by Vice President Chester A. Arthur. Law 19 states categorically, "No mustachioed man should intervene in disputes of the heart. Such matters are for the shorn, and for womenfolk." Between you and me, though, tell that guy with the job to keep his front shoulder closed and to keep the ball down in the zone. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Dear Ask A Twins Coach: My starting catcher wasn't willing to do a legitimate rehab assignment, and now he's grounded out to second base so many times that I'm starting to see it in my sleep. What do I do?
Rick Stelmaszek: GARDY! WE ALL KNOW YOUR HANDWRITING, QUIT STUFFING THE LETTER BOX AND SIGNING THE LETTERS "OZZIE GUILLEN."
This has been "Ask A Twins Coach," where all the quotes are made up and the points don't matter. Tune in next time, which should take place about two or three weeks after the earth crashes into the sun.