Joe Mauer's Milk Power Rankings
by RandBall's Stu on Jun 24, 2011 8:00 AM EDT
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(Twins catcher Joe Mauer was kind of enough to rank his favorite kinds of milk for Twinkie Town. Thanks, Joe!)
1. 2% milk. Boy, what can you say about 2% milk that hasn't been said already? Cold, white, thick but not too thick. Put it on Wheaties or just in a glass, and it is so refreshing. I went to this dance club with Torii Hunter once, and when I ordered it at the bar, Torii and the bartender just looked at me like I was crazy. I'll tell you what's crazy: not having 2% milk.
2. Chocolate skim milk. I'm not a big fan of skim milk (see below LOL), but you flavor it with chocolate and wow, what a difference LOL. Thickens it up just enough. Can't put it on cereal, so it's probably never gonna be number one.
3. The remainder of a root beer float after the vanilla ice cream has melted. I know it's not technically milk, but seriously, you guys. I'm thinking of doing an entrepreneur thing when I retire, and it's just going to be just selling this stuff in bottles. I think I'm going to call it Root Beer Float Milk.
4. 1% milk. One time when I was growing up, Mom bought 1% by accident. That was probably as scared as I've ever been in my life, but now that I'm older, I realize that it wasn't that bad and made our family stronger. Wouldn't recommend it, but any port in a storm when you're looking for a decent, white milk.
5. Whole milk. The heavy stuff. Big White. The Ol' Thick 'n Rich. Cream City. Too extreme for me.
6. Any other flavored milk (strawberry, banana, etc.). Banana milk? Come on. That's just silly. My brother Jake says strawberry milk is BETTER than chocolate milk! My brother Jake manages A-ball. Enough said LOL!
7. Skim milk. I'm always looking for a nice, bland taste in my white milks, but this goes way too far in the other direction. I'll just put tap water in my 2% milk if I want skim milk LOL. Ripoff.
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I read this late last night when I should have been sleeping
and couldn’t wait for it to post. Awesome.
"That was probably as scared as I've ever been in my life."
This made me laugh. LOL, I mean. Hooray humor!
'My brother Jake manages A-ball. Enough said'
LOVE IT!!!!!
'A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings'-Earl Wilson
No wonder why Joe was slacking
Fire Jake Mauer!!!!!
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
:)
$23M per year, and not a penny of it wasted on skim.
Ripoff.
LOL!
"...and we'll see ya tomorrow night!" - Jack Buck, Game 6, 1991 World Series
by WindyCityTwinsFan on Jun 24, 2011 9:52 AM EDT reply actions
But what does he think of regular milk?
Regular milk as in the stuff that we have overseas. 3,5% is normal here. Anything less you might as well drink water, in my opinion. And I’m not much of a milk drinker.
by twinscrazy_german on Jun 24, 2011 9:58 AM EDT reply actions
It's there, we call it whole milk here
It’s extreme, LIKE CRAZY MAN, IT WILL DO YOU IN IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT!!!!!!
The only stat that counts is W
Which then leads me to:
Why you guys don’T like whole milk
by twinscrazy_german on Jun 24, 2011 12:42 PM EDT up reply actions
It's Joe Mauer
I bet Joe Mauer’s favorite cheese is Kraft American singles.
Mauer doesn't speak for all of us
The German is asking us all questions based on Mauer’s answers.
Rudy Boschwitz is going to take a cut on that root beer milk
Apparently Joe forgot about Rudy’s Root Beer Milk at the State Fair.
Joe might have not been at the State Fair since he was drafted.
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
6/8/11 Business journal article
http://www.bizjournals.com/twincities/news/2011/06/08/kemps-selling-root-beer-flavored-milk.html
Root Beer Milk recently joined St. Paul-based Kemps’ stable of milk flavors such as chocolate, strawberry, and banana.
While Kemps has sold the root beer flavored milk at special events, it has never been sold in a half-gallon size for retail. The flavor is currently in rotation for the summer season, but if it sells well, it could become a permanent flavor, according to Rachel Kyllo, a Kemp’s spokeswoman.
"Parody article"
Or well disguised corporate marketing ploy – you decide.
by DJL44 on Jun 24, 2011 1:33 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Anyone think that Joe will sue Kemps or simply buy them out.
He has $23 million per season. There is no way that Kemps would say no to $180 million total. All Joe has to do is ask Jim Pohlad for an advance.
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
even batting .200
Joe is going to sell a LOT more of the stuff than Wudy.
If Joe actually said he liked root beer flavored milk
Kemps would find a way to make it happen.
I just logged in to post that
Rudy also had blueberry flavored milk, if I remember correctly.
I may have disagreed with his politics, but he had the best State Fair booth of any senator in history. Franken and Klobuchar should get on that.
by ColossusOfRhode on Jun 24, 2011 2:04 PM EDT up reply actions
Root beer flaot milk sounds goo, actually...
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." -Jack Handy
And you make Twinsgirl look like a genius
You misspelled float and good.
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
They're called tyops
Yes, I did that ironically.
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." -Jack Handy
HEY!!!!
:`( I’m gonna go cry now.
way to go Jessy S :P
"There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem—once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit." -Al Gallagher
by twinsgirl197 on Jun 24, 2011 2:50 PM EDT up reply actions
I meant in a good sense.
You can blame your typos on your dad.
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
how can I blame them on my dad?
I’m so confused!
"There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem—once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit." -Al Gallagher
by twinsgirl197 on Jun 24, 2011 3:15 PM EDT up reply actions
For messing up your keyboard.
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
oh haha I fixed that
"There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem—once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit." -Al Gallagher
by twinsgirl197 on Jun 25, 2011 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions
Ha!
Brilliant. I’m going to be so disappointed if I someday find out that Joe is not like the image of him I have built up in my head (thanks in no small part to the evil geniuses of twinkietown)
SKIM MILK IS THE BEST MILK
… and chocolate milk sucks.
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all."
~ Earl Weaver
"In God we trust. All others must provide evidence."
~ Billy Beane
But +1 to root beer float milk
"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all."
~ Earl Weaver
"In God we trust. All others must provide evidence."
~ Billy Beane
by AdamOnFirst on Jun 24, 2011 12:32 PM EDT up reply actions
Choc...
….
WTF? =O
"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"God grab your neck but never choke" -Ozzie Guillen
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Jun 24, 2011 12:33 PM EDT up reply actions
Troll!
"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"God grab your neck but never choke" -Ozzie Guillen
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Jun 24, 2011 12:34 PM EDT up reply actions
Chocolate milk sucks?!
What? How…?
No.
WordUpThome: OUR COMPTROLLER OF SECOND BASE AFFAIRS HAS BEEN HIT IN THE SHINJO BY A METEOR
Tweet me! @jessicann713
by fischean on Jun 24, 2011 12:53 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
2% is pretty much the workhorse of the milk family.
"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"God grab your neck but never choke" -Ozzie Guillen
by less cowbell, more 'neau on Jun 24, 2011 12:32 PM EDT reply actions
“¿Es ranch dressing un tipo de milk? ¡Me gusta ranch!”
— Jose Mijares
by Brad B. on Jun 24, 2011 1:00 PM EDT reply actions 7 recs
How does he feel about pudding?
After all, pudding is pretty much milk Jello. Ooh, and whipped cream, that must be like mixing crack and meth for Joe.
The only stat that counts is W
This was awesome.
But does Joe prefer Land O’ Lakes or Kemps?
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
Obviously Land O' Lakes...
LOL!
When we get the Pig, the Jug and the Axe, we'll have one hell of a picnic
Are you sure about that?
Although, I guess he was the spokesman for Land O’ Lakes at one time too. Who can forget the commercials: (in ultra monotone voice): “Pour it on Twins fans. Pour it on.”
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
Maybe...
If you subsitute “Land ’O Lakes” for every LOL in his Milk Power Rankings, it’s clear this is a shot over the Land O Lakes bow, letting them know they’re losing the milk war with Kemps.
For example, “I’m not a big fan of skim milk (see below, Land O Lakes)” could be translated to “Yo, Land O Lakes, stop bringing that weak-sauce skim milk round here and trade up to the Majors – 2%! Check out the bottom of the list – that’s where you’ll find your crap Milk-water”
In conclusion, Joe Mauer is clearly a Kemps kinda guy
When we get the Pig, the Jug and the Axe, we'll have one hell of a picnic
Yah what sealed the deal for me
Was this Kemps commercial. It’s the most Minnesotan thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
Try
This on for size.
I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew
Not sure if that is more Minnesotan
But it’s definitively more Joe Mauer.
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
Do you remember that commercial?
It was like the first one he ever did. My family still makes jokes about it. He’s gotten better since, believe it or not…
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
My favorite line
“My brother Jake says strawberry milk is BETTER than chocolate milk! My brother Jake manages A-ball. Enough said LOL!”
strawberry milk is better
But you know whats good? mixing them!!!
"There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem—once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit." -Al Gallagher
by twinsgirl197 on Jun 24, 2011 2:52 PM EDT up reply actions
now that's just crazy talk
"Nobody wants to hear me rap." - Joe Mauer
"METEOR" - JIM THOME
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Jun 24, 2011 3:36 PM EDT up reply actions
haha
My cousin does that so i tried it once and it was delicious!
"There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem—once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit." -Al Gallagher
by twinsgirl197 on Jun 24, 2011 3:37 PM EDT up reply actions
He favorite line
“Boy, what can you say about 2% milk that hasn’t been said already?”
That’s exactly what Joe would say.
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
I'll tell you what's crazy:
Not having 2% milk
by PURPpplEATER on Jun 24, 2011 2:14 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
I always figured 2% was 2% too much for him
But I guess he likes to live on the edge sometimes LOL!
"Nobody wants to hear me rap." - Joe Mauer
"METEOR" - JIM THOME
by what_would_gil_thorp_do on Jun 24, 2011 3:35 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Upon further reflection
This is the funniest F***ing thing I’ve read in a long time.
"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez
Banana Milk
Its disgusting. My old roommate used to drink it all the time, on top of the 5/6 bananas he would eat in a day. He eventually got potassium poisoning and couldn’t drive or work for over a month. Long story shortt, banana milk = bad news.
This is great!
Only criticism: Needs more "y’know"s and "obviously"s peppered throughout the text. Have you ever seen or heard Joe in interviews?
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