Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau Try To Figure Out What To Do Today

by Jon Marthaler on Jul 11, 2011 9:00 AM EDT in WTF

(phone rings)

Justin Morneau: Hello?

Joe Mauer: Hey man. It's Joe.

Morneau: Hey.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: Dude, what do we do today? I can't remember how this is supposed to go. What did we do in 2007?

Morneau: Beats me. I was an All-Star that year. What'd we do in 2006?

Mauer: Beats me. I was an All-Star that year.

Morneau: Oh.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: Did we hang out in 2005? Probably, right? I think we were still living together then. I bet we just played Xbox all day or something.

Morneau: I remember having a vicious hangover that day. And I got in a fight with a guy in the bathroom at the bar who had on the same shirt as me. And later the bouncer threw me out for breaking a mirror. I think that's how it happened. It's all a little hazy now.

Mauer: Serves you right for wearing a Canucks jersey in the middle of the summer.

(awkward silence)

Morneau: Do you still have Orlando Cabrera's number? That guy's had like three decades to figure out what to do with this Monday off.

Mauer: Nah, he wouldn't ever answer my calls at 8:30 am on Saturday morning. I'll tell you... no matter how hard you try, some guys just don't like chocolate milk.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: I heard Drew say that he and Rene were going to the park to burn ants with a magnifying glass. We could go do that.

Morneau: I dunno, man. They'll make us drink malt liquor out of a paper bag like they usually do. I don't think that'll go very well with my surgery.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: Mom said my DVDs of the third season of Family Matters finally came in. They were on backorder for like forever. I could bring those over.

Morneau: You have got to be kidding me.

Mauer: It'll be fun! Urkel will break something and Carl Winslow will yell at him!

Morneau: Which park were Drew and Rene going to again?

(awkward silence)

Morneau: Want to come over and watch my hockey fights tapes from the 70s?

Mauer: Oh... uh... no. And hasn't your Betamax player given out yet?

Morneau: I found a guy in Moose Jaw that sells spare parts. Bought his whole warehouse. Anytime anyone in North America needs a Betamax tape repaired, they're going to be buying from this guy.

Mauer: That's... nice.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: We could watch the Home Run Derby.

Morneau: Chris Berman makes me physically ill.

Mauer: We could call Pavano.

Morneau: Dude, the cops are still looking for him from last time. We can't do that again.

Mauer: We could go up to my cabin.

Morneau: Not unless you've taken down all the collages of you and JJ Hardy.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: This sucks.

Morneau: I know.

Tweet Comment 24 comments | 19 recs |

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Comments

(awkward silence)

Rec’d

"It happened in the moment, and it happened." - Carlos Gomez

by myjah on Jul 11, 2011 9:07 AM EDT reply actions

Greatness.

by Jesse on Jul 11, 2011 9:27 AM EDT reply actions

Do the Urkel dance!!!!!

Funny!!!!!

by LittleLad on Jul 11, 2011 9:47 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions

Perfection.

Also, I need the number of that Betamax warehouse.

http://www.realityfish.com

by Robin G on Jul 11, 2011 9:45 AM EDT reply actions

What's the the matter?

8mm or Super 8 not high falooting enough for you guys? Technology addicts!

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"God grab your neck but never choke" -Ozzie Guillen

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Jul 11, 2011 11:46 AM EDT up reply actions

I have the following

A 3-D TV with 3-D Video player and hyperdrive techonlogy.

I'm a proud fan of the Minnesota Twins and Dallas Cowboys!
"Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own." – Harmon Killebrew

by Jessy S on Jul 11, 2011 3:35 PM EDT up reply actions

no holodeck?

lossen up the purse strings a little!

:-)

Don't call it a come back! We've been winning for years!

by caluofmn on Jul 11, 2011 3:40 PM EDT up reply actions

If there were actually holodecks, noone would leave their house.

Or is that just me?

Let loose the hogs of war!
Dogs of war..
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana...

by darren004 on Jul 11, 2011 3:46 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

I can't afford a holodeck

However, I did ask NASA if I could buy a space shuttle. They decided to give them away instead.

by Jessy S on Jul 11, 2011 3:55 PM EDT up reply actions

cool

I think you should make your shuttle look like something out of too fast too furious…

Don't call it a come back! We've been winning for years!

by caluofmn on Jul 11, 2011 5:02 PM EDT up reply actions

Pimped out tie fighter.

"Don't take life for granted, because tomorrow isn't promised to any one of us." -Kirby Puckett
"God grab your neck but never choke" -Ozzie Guillen

by less cowbell, more 'neau on Jul 11, 2011 5:07 PM EDT up reply actions

nice

Don't call it a come back! We've been winning for years!

by caluofmn on Jul 11, 2011 5:17 PM EDT up reply actions

Funny

but I would imagine as a proud papa Justin is going to be plenty busy with the little one and catching up on his honey-do list.

Joe on the other had will probably just sit around watching Family Matters (really?) with random women running their hands through his hair.

Don't call it a come back! We've been winning for years!

by caluofmn on Jul 11, 2011 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

"Baby diapers .... I can spend the next three days changing diapers ..."

“Hey, Joe …. call Pavstache …”

by BD57 on Jul 11, 2011 8:03 PM EDT up reply actions

LOL

I love this.

"Danny Valencia is a fricking stud! Hide your daughters!"
-Denard Span

by taralynn09 on Jul 11, 2011 10:50 AM EDT reply actions

Morneau and Mauer

Should take Chris Berman to the Grand Canyon, and, at gunpoint, force him to reverse his steps over the edge. Then they can both shout, in unison, “back back back . . . Gone!”

Steve Goodman lives.

by twinsbrewer on Jul 11, 2011 11:03 AM EDT reply actions 4 recs