Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau Try To Figure Out What To Do Today

(phone rings)

Justin Morneau: Hello?

Joe Mauer: Hey man. It's Joe.

Morneau: Hey.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: Dude, what do we do today? I can't remember how this is supposed to go. What did we do in 2007?

Morneau: Beats me. I was an All-Star that year. What'd we do in 2006?

Mauer: Beats me. I was an All-Star that year.

Morneau: Oh.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: Did we hang out in 2005? Probably, right? I think we were still living together then. I bet we just played Xbox all day or something.

Morneau: I remember having a vicious hangover that day. And I got in a fight with a guy in the bathroom at the bar who had on the same shirt as me. And later the bouncer threw me out for breaking a mirror. I think that's how it happened. It's all a little hazy now.

Mauer: Serves you right for wearing a Canucks jersey in the middle of the summer.

(awkward silence)

Morneau: Do you still have Orlando Cabrera's number? That guy's had like three decades to figure out what to do with this Monday off.

Mauer: Nah, he wouldn't ever answer my calls at 8:30 am on Saturday morning. I'll tell you... no matter how hard you try, some guys just don't like chocolate milk.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: I heard Drew say that he and Rene were going to the park to burn ants with a magnifying glass. We could go do that.

Morneau: I dunno, man. They'll make us drink malt liquor out of a paper bag like they usually do. I don't think that'll go very well with my surgery.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: Mom said my DVDs of the third season of Family Matters finally came in. They were on backorder for like forever. I could bring those over.

Morneau: You have got to be kidding me.

Mauer: It'll be fun! Urkel will break something and Carl Winslow will yell at him!

Morneau: Which park were Drew and Rene going to again?

(awkward silence)

Morneau: Want to come over and watch my hockey fights tapes from the 70s?

Mauer: Oh... uh... no. And hasn't your Betamax player given out yet?

Morneau: I found a guy in Moose Jaw that sells spare parts. Bought his whole warehouse. Anytime anyone in North America needs a Betamax tape repaired, they're going to be buying from this guy.

Mauer: That's... nice.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: We could watch the Home Run Derby.

Morneau: Chris Berman makes me physically ill.

Mauer: We could call Pavano.

Morneau: Dude, the cops are still looking for him from last time. We can't do that again.

Mauer: We could go up to my cabin.

Morneau: Not unless you've taken down all the collages of you and JJ Hardy.

(awkward silence)

Mauer: This sucks.

Morneau: I know.

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