Trade Deadline 2011--The Case for Edward the Sparkly Vampire

SB Nation has zero photos of heartthrob actor and Twilight star Robert Pattinson in their archives, so here's a picture of a Buffalo Bill with a vampire mouthguard. Stupid copyright infringement.

Last year, Twinkie Town was the only Twins-related media outlet to make the case for acquiring TV super-helicopter Airwolf. The Twins ignored that advice. The Twins did NOT win the World Series. Draw your own conclusions.

This year, the Twins most glaring need, besides health, is shoring up the bullpen. The only reliable options right now are Joe Nathan and Glen Perkins. With both having spent time on the DL, the starters not getting to the 7th inning with any sort of consistency, and the rest of the 'pen unreliable at best, it's clear the Twins need to take drastic measures. They seem to know this, otherwise Denard Span's name wouldn't keep coming up as possible trade bait. However, as tantalizing as Drew Storen's upside may be, there's another name out there that no one's talking about, a dark horse that could be a real game changer in the last two months of the season: Edward Cullen, Vampire.

Hear me out.

Cullen, the chaste, male protagonist of the Twilight series of young adult novels that your mom has read, has a baseball background, as this YouTube clip shows. Let's break down the case for Cullen:

  • Power arm. Although he's apparently slotted as an outfielder due to his outstanding closing speed, Cullen displays the kind of arm that sets scouts to drooling.
  • Daylight: not a problem! The literature on vampires would have you believe that if a vampire is exposed to daylight, he or she will turn into a pile of ash. Not Edward Cullen! Instead, he sparkles! (No, really.) He's already more effective in direct sunlight than Josh Hamilton.
  • Chaste. No need to hide your daughters around this young prospect. Edward doesn't even have the sex with female protagonist Bella until the fourth book. The fourth!
  • Not a shirtless wolfboy. Edward's competition for Bella is shirtless wolfboy Jacob. You need to wear a shirt when you play baseball. Jacob never wears a shirt, as again, he's a shirtless wolfboy. So, while Jacob's lupine athleticism makes him an intriguing prospect, the uniform violations alone prevent this from being a serious discussion.
  • Immortal. Sign him when he's "young," and if you play your cards right, you have a right-handed bullpen option for generations*.
Is there a downside? Sure. For one, he's fictional, but as anyone who's been waiting for Chuck James' upside to show up, that's not a dealbreaker for the Twins or their fans.

You ignored Twinkie Town last year, Bill Smith. You paid the price. Get Edward Cullen and his sparkly, non-sexually-threatening heater in here, and thank us later.

*Just keep him away from shattered, pointy bats. And don't bless the Gatorade cooler, Churchy.

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