I suggested this a while back in a game thread, but nobody wrote it. So I did. My list is incomplete of course, as I lack A) creativity and B) cable. (Miss those Sunday games on broadcast TV!) So please, add your own Bert-isms to the list.
The rules: Simple enough. Every time Bert says one of the following, take a drink of your chosen beverage or bite of a Twinkie. (The Hostess confection, not an actual Twins player. Unless you are keeping Matt Capps in the basement, "The Road"-style, in which case feel free to gnaw idly on a limb.)
I include Twinkies with drinkies because some readers are too young, too responsible to drink excessively, and/or allergic to fun. But neither booze nor sugary treats are good for you. The American Medical Association recommends you avoid both, along with sex, onion rings, and missing an insurance payment.
Commentary on pitchers
"Down and away in the strike zone."
"He just left the ball up/middle in right there."
"The best athletes on the field." (Score twice if mentioned about a chunky monkey fat-ass)
Any bitching about pitch count, either when a pitcher is pulled, about to be pulled, or left in the game
Commentary on hitters
“He just got the barrel of the bat on the ball.”
“Good eye/Good at-bat, here."
Fawning praise of Twins hitter; score once for each good hitter on opposing team not so praised (score twice for fawning praise of Mauer)
Commentary on shots of fans in stands
“Happy anniversary,” to elderly couple who are not yet, as of airdate, dead
“Hello, young lady” to widowed woman who matches above description
“Hello, young lady” to young lady
“You are hereby circled.”
“It’s xxx days ‘till my birthday.”
“My California math tells me . . .”
If Bert shows off his novelty overbite teeth
If Bert suggests the Hall Of Fame sucks (drink a quart of Everclear for this or eat an entire gallon bucket of ice cream)