(Editor's Note: I did this, or something similar, four years ago. I have endeavored to not repeat jokes and wherever possible make no sense at all.)

Joe Mauer: You have conducted an over-elaborate funeral for a hamster.

Justin Morneau: You have been asked to leave a buffet restaurant.

Matt Tolbert: You have gone into debt to buy pull tabs.

Scott Diamond: You have been thrown out of a peewee hockey game.

Luke Hughes: You have been in a fight over a make or model of car.

Michael Cuddyer: You have been in a fight over a make or model of pickup truck.

Jason Kubel: You have been in a fight over a make or model of combine.

Alexi Casilla: You own three or more beard trimmers.

Kevin Slowey: You have been proud of not owning a television.

Scott Baker: You have thrown a promise ring down a well.

Drew Butera: You have seen Journey in concert more than twice.

Rene Rivera: You own more engines than cars.

Nick Blackburn: You own more cars than engines.

Jim Hoey: You have been trapped in a vending machine.

Anthony Slama: You have spilled diet soda on at least two computer keyboards.

Trevor Plouffe: You have stolen a stuffed animal from a carnival game.

Glen Perkins: You own multiple collared shirts with logos of cigarette companies.

Joe Nathan: You have gone to the emergency room because of a burning marshmallow.

Jason Repko: You have switched credit-card companies for a free T-shirt.

Chris Parmelee: You have given a J.R.R. Tolkien novel as a birthday present.

Joe Benson: You have used a bolt cutter to permanently remove the seats from a minivan.

Alex Burnett: You have used an empty liquor bottle as decoration.

Phil Dumatrait: You are on a first-name basis with Motel 6 front-desk clerks in three or more cities.

Liam Hendriks: You have aimed a shotgun at a spider.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka: You have drawn your own comic book.

Matt Capps: You have traded an appliance for a dog.

Brian Duensing: You have celebrated your birthday at an arcade.

Danny Valencia: You have grown a mustache for the purpose of humor.

Kyle Waldrop: You have been handcuffed while not wearing a shirt.

Deolis Guerra: You call at least one of your friends by their message-board handle instead of their real name.

Ben Revere: You have written a text message while riding a dirt bike.

Brian Dinkelman: You have gotten an autograph from a high-school athlete.

Denard Span: You have thrown a football at a state trooper.

Francisco Liriano: You have been invited to the launch of a new brand of vodka.

Jose Mijares: You have thought about opening a bakery.

Carl Pavano: You have worn cutoff jeans to a wedding.