How Will the Former Twins Ruin Their Current Team's Playoff Hopes?

As noted by John Bonnes, there are six former Twins in the MLB Playoffs this year. As a Minnesota sports fan, one can't help but think that they will somehow cause their teams to fail in a spectacular way. We examine the odds of this happening and the most likely way it will go down.

Carlos Gomez: 6-1

MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: Gomez misunderstands the basic concept of the hotfoot prank, brings acetylene torch and welder's mask into the dugout, sets Ryan Braun's feet on fire, throws the mask at Braun's head and shouts "Hotfoot! Hotfoot!" Second-degree burns and a mild concussion keep Braun out of the playoffs, the Brewers are unable to compensate for his absence and lose to the D'backs in four games.

Delmon Young: 5-2

MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: Curtis Granderson on second, two outs, and Alex Rodriguez lofts a fly ball towards Young in left field. Young takes the following route to the ball: drifts towards the foul pole; takes off at a dead run towards the infield; falls down; gets up and backpedals towards the wall; then crabwalks back to where he was standing in the first place. He gets the ball on two hops, guns it to home in an attempt to nail Granderson, and the ball sails into the stands, hits visiting Iranian PM Mahmoud Ahmedinajad and sets off World War III. Commissioner Bud Selig cancels the playoffs in deference to the ongoing conflict and declares the Yankees the champions, due to The Captain, Derek Jeter, inspiring our troops with his steady leadership, commanding demeanor and steely gaze.

Henry Blanco: 20-1

MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: He ends up playing more than once or twice.

LaTroy Hawkins: 15-1

MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: The Brewers got the wrong instructions when they signed him, which were supposed to read, "DO NOT USE AS A STARTER, AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MAKE HIM YOUR CLOSER. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT RICK ANDERSON." Instead, they received the directions for the care and handling of former Twin Mark Portugal, which read, "NO STEAK BUFFETS IF YOU CAN HELP IT."

Nick Punto: 3-2

MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: Overwhelmed with scrappiness, want-to and intensity, Punto walks into the clubhouse and greets Albert Pujols and Lance Berkman by headfirst sliding into their knees. Cardinals get swept.

Kyle Lohse: 8-1

MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: The doorbell rings at Lohse's house. He opens it to see a large package on his front step. He brings it into the house, opens it, and sees Ron Gardenhire's old office door from the Metrodome. "Hello, old friend," says Lohse, who picks up a fireplace poker and begins bashing it good. The frenzied, awkward pitcher swings fray Lohse's rotator cuff, and he's ineffective in a critical start against the Phillies. Hundreds of miles away, in a darkened garage in the Twin Cities suburbs, with the only light provided by a flickering, black-and-white television, a bearded man with a cooler full of Coors Lights watches as a sullen Lohse trudges to the dugout after being pulled from the game. "Vengeance is not swift, but it is mine," he says. "Take a bat to my goddamn office door? Judas Priest." He cracks another Silver Bullet and half-smiles.

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