It's a new year fellow Twins fans. What does 2012 hold for the team we love the most? Time for some prognosticating, eh?
Justin Morneau - Twins trainers will discover that what they thought were concussion symptoms all this time were actually the result of giving him the wrong dosage of his medications due to a mistake in calculating from the metric system. Once this is righted, he has his second MVP season.
Jamie Carroll – Will have a stint on the DL in June after he is involved in a fight at an Edina Walgreen’s store over a door-buster sale on walkers.
Alexi Casilla – He and old pal Carlos Gomez will join together to form the independent country of Gomezilla so they can play in the summer Olympics in London. Unfortunately, civil war breaks out over who will be President and who will be Vice President. They later find out that baseball is no longer an Olympic sport anyway.
Glen Perkins – Due to new Timberwolves guard Ricky Rubio, the neck beard becomes popular and Perkins is named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Francisco Liriano – Will have a great year until he suffers a total loss of command of his pitches, a result of his distress at not being considered for the post of Secretary of State in the country of Gomezilla.
Kevin Slowey - Though he will have an excellent 2012 season and be voted the NL Cy Young winner, he will decline the award and the ceremony and retire to form an alternative rock band and live in rural Montana with his pet duck, Gardy.
Denard Span – His mother will extract her revenge for the errant foul ball off her son’s bat that struck her during a spring training game, when she tosses out the first pitch in Fort Myers and it hits Denard, even though he is standing in the outfield at the time.
Matt Capps – Will finally demonstrate the fire and passion that Rick Anderson has been waiting for when he demands to be given an actual locker like everybody else so he doesn’t have to get dressed in the team snack area anymore. In a related note, there is an immediate increase in use of the snack area for eating.
Carl Pavano – Will carry a perfect game into the bottom of the 9th in Yankee Stadium, only to have Nishioka boot a grounder by Nick Swisher, throw wide of first, after which he will miss the throw from first while he is cowering behind second base as Swisher slides in. As Swisher rounds 3rd base Yoshi somehow ends up with the ball and in his panic to get him out at home bounces a toss into the Yankee dugout where it gently grazes A-Rod’s surgically repaired-knee. This so rattles Carl that he gives up 6 more runs. Thankfully, he is saved from committing assault and battery when A-Rod reaches Nishioka first.
Ben Revere – Will be credited with his first major league home run in August with an amazing inside-the-park spectacle that rates him a perfect score from every watching gymnastics judge for his tumbling routine going from 3rd base to home plate.
Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will choose to stay out of Carl Pavano’s way even more carefully when his translator finally gets up the nerve to give him the literal meaning of Carl’s nickname for him.
Nick Blackburn – Will threaten mutiny over the refusal of management to allow the pitching staff fried chicken and beer on their off days, but will be mollified with an extra ration of garlic sunflower seeds and a KFC gift card.
Ron Gardenhire – Will have knee replacement, hip replacement, face lift surgery, liposuction and botox, but because no one recognizes him, will be replaced by a young manager whose initials are TK.
Joe Mauer – Because his fiance has made him so incredibly happy will invent a new music form called “Hap Rap” and earn his first Grammy nomination for new artist of the year. Oh, and he will also win batting title number 4.
Ozzie Guillen – His mouth will again get him in trouble when a Miami reporter translates his post-game remarks literally and a slew of senior citizens are hospitalized after collapsing from the shock. The Marlins then say they really meant to hire Carlos Guillen as manager in the first place. That is, until they discover Carlos was one of the elderly people who fainted.
Minnesota Twins – Will defy all the experts and with revival of the M & M Boys, the resurgence of Denard Span, Danny Valencia and Scott Baker, the team will edge out the Tigers for the AL Central Division title, take the ALCS from the Yankees in a thrilling 7 games and end a true comeback year with a 4-game sweep of the Phillies, making them the 2012 World Champions!
2012…Bring it on!