It's been four years (or has it been five?) since I've been to TwinsFest, but that has had more to do with my geographical location than a lack of desire to attend. There's no shortage of things to see or people to check out, and I guarantee that no matter how "hard core" of a fan you think you are there is somebody there who will scare you...just a little bit...with their fanatic intensity.
With that in mind, if you were like me and missed TwinsFest this year, here are the top ten storylines from the weekend.
Nishioka Wants to Sing: After attending tryouts for the National Anthem and "God Bless America" and gaining confidence in his growing comfort with the English language, Tsuyoshi Nishioka signs off an interview with "Seacrest, out."
Morris Baseball Booth Popular Destination: At the Jack Morris Limited Edition Baseball Booth, Morris signed 1000 baseballs with his name and the notation "1991 World Series Game 7". Each ball also carried a handwritten special inscription from Jack, most of which were variants on the phrase "[Redacted] right!", with occasional taunts of Sid Bream.
Emo Fad Sweeping Twins Clubhouse: Due to the emotionally draining nature of the 2011 season and the ensuing media backlash, several Minnesota Twins players arrive to TwinsFest adopting emo trends and appearances. Joe Mauer grows his hair out, dies the tips purple and uses hair straighteners. Danny Valencia layers black eyeliner so thick it puts Captain Jack Sparrow to shame. Nick Blackburn grows his beard longer, hoping that qualifies as emo. Denard Span tweets about Ron Gardenhire's ensuing confusion. Justin Morneau pours maple syrup in his shoes, which qualifies as emo in Canada. Fall Out Boy is elected by popular vote as the Official-Emo-Band-of-the-Minnesota-Twins-Clubhouse, and nobody is allowed inside the clubhouse unless they whistfully mention their hopes for new material...FINALLY.
Jamey Carroll's Eyes Fall Out of His Skull Without Warning: Jamey Carroll's eyes fall out of his skull without warning.
Gladden Being Gladden: Dan Gladden, emerging from a bathroom without his pants, was heard to have shouted "OKAY, MORRIS, YOUR MOVE."
Carl Pavano to Start on Opening Day: After announcing that Carl Pavano would be his Opening Day starter, Ron Gardenhire told fans that he didn't have a choice unless he wanted Drew Butera to set his cabin on fire.
Teenager Arrested for Attempting to Buy Alcohol: A 13-year old boy with a painted on goatee and Twins cap was hauled off the premises after being found in line for a beer. Following his inability to produce any identification he was hauled away by security, crying: "But I'm Scott Baker!"
Scott Baker Fined: Scott Baker was fined by the team for missing his weekend autograph session. When asked for comment, Gardy would only say "I'm tired of bailing his teenage ass out of jail".
Zumaya Burns Hand: Joel Zumaya's arm was treated for burns on his pitching hand. While attending Glen Perkins' meat smoking tutorial in the concourse, he reached through the grill to grab burning coals as Perkins had his back turned. When asked why he reached for the orange, glowing coals, Zumaya sighed and answered: "I don't even know anymore."
Gardy On New Right Fielder: During interview sessions, when Gardy was asked about new right fielder Josh Willingham he'd repeatedly call him "Cuddy" in his replies. Initially it was thought to be a mistake, until an intrepid reporter broached the subject. In response to the reporter's challenge Gardenhire visibly bristled, lowered the tone of his voice and leaned closer to the microphone, said "He knows what this is," then tipped the microphone over, threw a chair and walked off the stage.