Thank you for your interest in pitching for the Minnesota Twins. Be assured that we review all applications and will consider yours in due time.
PLEASE NOTE: This form is for starting pitchers only. To apply to be a relief pitcher, please fail as a starting pitcher at Rochester prior to filling out our relief pitching application.
So that we may better process this application, please answer the following questions:
1. (Select one) Did you pitch last year?
A) Yes, effectively, and in the American League to boot. (If you chose this answer, please fill out "Form 1138: Application To Pitch For Anyone But The Twins" instead of this form.)
B) Yes, but not especially well
2. Please select all that apply. Do you:
A) Throw strikes. (Please note that anyone who has never walked four batters on sixteen consecutive pitches will meet this criteria.)
B) Work quickly
C) Know how to win
D) Bring veteran presence
E) Know what you're doing on the mound
F) Throw the living fire out of the ball
G) Breathe oxygen
H) Have at least one functioning arm (NOTE: need not be pitching arm)
3. (Select one) How do you feel about strikeouts?
A) They're fascist
B) They're okay I guess, but I'd rather just let the guys behind me catch the ball
C) How would I know? I haven't struck anyone out in four years
D) Well, they're the easiest way to get the hitter out, so I try to strike out as many batters as possible (Please see Form 1138.)
4. (Select one) Where do you see yourself, three years from now?
A) Trying to catch on as a long reliever with a bargain-basement National League team
B) Waiting for somebody to get hurt so I can sign with a desperate team in May
C) Pitching for the Minnesota Twins
4a. (For those who answered 'C' to question 4) Why do you want to be pitching for the Twins in three years?
A) I don't actually, I just thought it'd sound like I was committed if I chose option C
5. (Select one) How do you feel about being on a losing team?
A) I want to pitch for a winner (Form 1138 please.)
B) If the paychecks come every two weeks, I'll do anything
6. (Select one) This offseason has seen a large group of starting pitchers sign contracts. What was your reaction when you read about the contracts that were given to your fellow pitchers?
A) Bought a boat
B) Bought a second home
C) Bought a second home that is also a boat
7. Right now it looks like our outfield is going to be Josh Willingham, Darin Mastroianni, and Chris Parmelee. There is no question, we just want to make sure you're aware that any fly ball, no matter how routine-looking off the bat, has a shot to become a double.
8. (Select one) On an 0-2 count, what pitch would you throw?
A) Sinker over the plate
B) Sinker over the plate
C) Sinker over the plate
9. (Select one) Which of these arm problems cannot be fixed with rest and rehab?
A) Torn elbow ligament
B) Torn rotator cuff
C) Any and all emotional issues
D) There is no arm problem so severe that rest and rehab will not fix it
10. (Matching) Please match the stat line in list one with the appropriate post-game review in list two.
List one: A) 5IP, 0BB, 9H, 5ER, 2K; B) 5.1IP, 0BB, 11H, 6ER, 1K; C) 8IP, 4BB, 2H, 1ER, 10K
List two: "He really battled out there and made some good pitches"; "He threw the living fire out of the ball today"; "He needs to work on his command and on pitching to contact"
11. (Short essay) Describe, in 250 words or fewer, why you think anybody should pay for a ticket to watch next year's Twins team. Please note that your answer may be used by the Twins marketing team, which is completely out of ideas.