Phil Dumatrait Cut, Haunted by Unkillable Space Clown


Lefthanded reliever Phil Dumatrait was among the five players the Twins cut on Thursday morning. But being reassigned to minor-league camp was the least of the pitcher's concerns. Pennywise, an unknowable, horrific murder-clown, was back.

"Yeah, me and my buddies back home drove him away when we were kids," said Dumatrait. "To be honest, I could barely remember that it happened at all, it was so long ago. Then my friend Tim called me the other day and just said, "It's happening again, Phil. It's happening."

The inconceivable monster, who is said to take the shape of a circus clown with row upon baleful row of yellowed, razor-sharp teeth that feast upon young flesh, is believed to be responsible for a recent series of disappearances and brutal slayings in Dumatrait's hometown of Derry, Maine. The disturbances share eerie similarities to events that transpired in the pitcher's youth. Dumatrait says the nightmarish memories have come roaring back.

"It was the damnedest thing. Weird noises and lights starting coming out of storm sewers and drains. Then kids started disappearing. And then, Pennywise. None of the adults seemed to grasp what was going on. But we knew. We KNEW."

Dumatrait is still weighing his plans on whether to confront the not-of-this-earth, possibly immortal blood-demon, or stay with the team at the minor-league facility in Fort Myers. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire says the choice is Dumatrait's.

"We know Phil's a professional, so he'll roll with the punches and go up there and spin it," said Gardenhire. "Chrysler, you want to talk about unfathomable, Lovecraft-ian evil with me, I've got Hunter Wendelstedt calling balls and strikes today. We've all got troubles, and Phil's gonna deal with his the best way he knows how."

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