Gardy and his team of Merry Men have just returned to the familiar landscape of Target Field, after their recent battles against the most dastardly of foes from the East, the Yankees of New York (the Evil Empire itself) and the Rays of Tampa Bay (They may have removed the “Devil” from their name, but they remain devilish in all their ways). Though Gardy’s men fought valiantly, they succumbed to cruel defeat in 4 out of the 7 skirmishes. Discouraged and down-hearted to a man, they wander disconsolately about the ballpark wondering what went wrong and how they can get back to winning again.
Cast of Characters:
Gardy Hood Ron Gardenhire
Little Joe Joe Mauer
Yukon Morneau Justin Morneau
Maid Maria Alexi Casilla
Ye Olde Guye Jamey Carroll
Dandy Dan Danny Valencia
Donut Man Ryan Doumit
Spanalot Denard Span
Sheriff of Willingham Josh Willingham
Stache Carl Pavano
Marquis de Sod Jason Marquis
Friar Tubb Matt Capps
Clete Clete Thomas
Sheriff of Willingham: (Looking around) So, why do they call this place a park? Shouldn’t there be trees and, well, critters?
Little Joe: We used to have trees…in 2010 when Target Field first opened. But they took them away because we hitters complained that they were distracting.
Stache: Good one, Kid. Griping about trees. Yesterday was Earth Day!
Little Joe: It wasn’t my fault! (Stomps away to the dugout)
Spanalot: Great. Now you hurt his feelings, and he’s going to pout for hours.
Stache: Oh, lighten up, Little Joe. I was just kidding. Say, I’ve always wondered…why do they call a guy who’s 6’5” “little” anyway?
Little Joe: It’s…(sniff)…ironic.
Stache: Oh…right. (Rolls his eyes)
Maid Maria: We’ve had critters, too. Remember Kirby the Kestrel from 2010?
Ye Olde Guye: Eh?
Stache: (under his breath) They say hearing’s always the first to go.
Maid Maria: He was a small hawk who fancied one of the light poles here.
Donut Man: Gasp…I didn’t think this was THAT kind of story.
Maid Maria: (Blushes) No, silly. He just used to like sitting up there as if he were watching the games.
Gardy Hood: (In a falsetto voice) Yes, it was so adorable! (Then, gruffly) Nothing says “baseball” better than some predator bird soaring over the stands searching for a small furry critter to catch and disembowel. Hey, maybe that’s what happened to that annoying squirrel we had for a while!
Maid Maria: (Bursts into tears) Animal!
Donut Man: Sounds like this used to be a fun place.
Yukon Morneau: Sigh. That it was. At least until July for me…then, it’s all a blur.
Spanalot: Concussions stink!
Stache: Ah…something else stinks.
Ye Olde Guye: I don’t smell anything.
Stache: (under his breath) The sense of smell is always the first to go.
Little Joe looks at Yukon. Yukon looks at Donut Man, who looks at Dandy Dan.
Dandy Dan: Hey! Don’t look at me! It’s coming from the bullpen.
At that moment Friar Tubb exits the bullpen and walks onto the field.
Friar Tubb: Oh, man! That’s another lesson learned, ha ha.
Stache: I know I’m going to regret asking this, but… what lesson?
Friar Tubb: A week in an unrefrigerated locker does terrible things to a sack of tuna sandwiches. Just look at these!
Stache: (Sidles quickly away covering his mouth) Phew! Regret isn’t the half of it!
Clete: Hey Guys, I know how to keep fish from smelling…
Clete: Cut off their noses! Ha-ha!
Sheriff of Willingham: Changing the subject…you know what I’d like?
Friar Tubb: What?
Sheriff of Willingham: I’d like to bring some of that fun back to Target Field.
Yukon Morneau: Yeah, winning was fun.
Spanalot: Well, I’d love to win another division.
Little Joe: Yeah…but, so what if we do?
Sheriff of Willingham: Huh?
Little Joe: See all those banners above the outfield?
Ye Olde Guye: See what?
Stache: (under his breath) They say sight’s always the first to go.
Yukon Morneau: Those are for all the AL Central Division titles we’ve won in the past. Notice that there are very few AL Championship banners flying.
Donut Man: Yeah, I noticed that. How come? You must have been pretty good to win all those division titles.
Twins Veterans: (Awkward silence)
Little Joe: Well…almost every time we reach the Play-offs, we have to meet the (shudder) Yankees.
Sheriff of Willingham: So?
Maid Maria: They’re the Yankees! They’re big and rich powerful and mean and we always lose to them. To be honest, we’re kind of afraid of them.
Marquis de Sod: Surely, you jest!
Maid Maria: I’m completely serious. And don’t call me Shirley. My name’s Maria.
Little Joe: You don’t know what it’s been like, having the big, bad, scary, Yankees always in our path to the Championship!
Marquis de Sod: Well, I’m from New York! I’m not afraid of the Yankees.
Sheriff of Willingham: Me neither! I hit a HR against them!
Donut Man: So did I!
Friar Tubb: I got a save!
Stache: They can boo me all they want…I got a win! I’m not afraid of them either.
Sheriff of Willingham: There’s no reason for any of you to be afraid of them. Yukon, you hit 3 homers in 4 games! They should be afraid of YOU!
Gardy Hood: I’ve been trying to tell them that for years.
Marquis de Sod: But did you really believe it yourself?
Gardy Hood: Of course! Um…Yeah! Umm…OK, maybe I’ve been afraid of them too.
Sheriff of Willingham: Hey, I’m the sheriff in these parts, but aren’t you guys supposed to be stealing from the rich…? And who’s richer than the Yankees?
Little Joe: B-b-but…stealing is wrong!
Gardy Hood: Oh, fer cryin’ out loud, Joe!
Spanalot: Hey, we just “stole” 2 out of 4 games from them in New York.
Marquis de Sod: And if we can beat the Yankees, we can beat ANYBODY!
Sheriff of Willingham: So, we’re agreed? Let’s get back to our winning ways.
Donut Man: We face Boston next. I want to win so bad I can taste it!
Ye Olde Guye: Huh? I don’t taste anything?
Stache: Sigh…(under his breath) They say taste is always the first to go.