Hmm, last year about this time there were a good half dozen posts with their predictions for the Twins season. This year, not so much. Well, somebody has to take the plunge.
An unfortunate midseason Twins facial hair craze will lead the 2012 team to be remembered as the Soul Patch Kids.
Luke Hughs and Liam Hendricks will open an Australian Restaurant featuring fresh Minnesota ingredients which will best remembered for its slogan, "Throw another 'pout on the Barbie."
Matt Capps preseason struggles dog him in the regular season causing the failure of a marketing deal with former Viking quarterback Joe Kapp to sell team headwear that will be memorialized in the headline, "Kapp caps Kapp-Capps Caps."
Gardy will throw the bullpen into chaos when he loses his cheat sheet and calls on Eddie Guardado and Joe Nathan to start warming up. After the game, Gardy tells reporters, "Hell, you can't tell me that any of you remember those guys' names either."
Twins pitchers will give up way too many hits, but they strand so many runners on base the Pohlads build a Starbucks on second and a Jimmy Johns on third.
The Society for American Baseball Research will officially replace the Mendoza Line with the Butera Memorial Line.
In an attempt to improve the quality of radio broadcasts, the Twins Radio Network installs a Breathalyzer that will control Dan Gladden's microphone. It isn't reported whether it takes a maximum or minimum BAC level to activate the microphone.
In April, Gardy watches Major League for the first time. Inspired, he buys glasses for the entire pitching staff. The team ERA soars since he didn't bother to get their eyes checked first. The topless Jim Pohlad poster also fails to raise team morale.
In May, Josh Willingham briefly challenges Morneau for the team lead in home runs. Twins marketing starts measuring Willingham for a flannel shirt and blue ox.
In June, Ben Revere becomes the first MLB player ever to score a perfect 10 for his gymnastic routine going from second to third. The White Sox respond by recruiting 13-year-old Romanian girls to play in the outfield.
In July, Justin Morneau will astound the baseball world in his comeback season by swatting 23 home runs to lead the American League at the All Star Break. He wins his second All Star Home Run Derby when Josh Hamilton's arms fall off after hitting 50 homers in the first round.
In August, the good news will be that Francisco Liriano surpassed a record held by Cy Young when he completes his 26th consecutive inning of no-hit baseball. The bad news will be that the streak includes 9 games, 57 walks and 15 runs given up. Gardenhire points to Liriano's ERA of 5.19 during the streak as being "not that bad but we would like him to go a little deeper into games."
In September, a Twins pitcher will develop elbow problems at a critical point in the pennant race. The Twins Training Staff recommends homeopathic eye drops and this neat stuff they found at the pharmacy that was invented by an elementary school teacher.
Despite a year of tumult and stress, the Twins will still be in contention the last week of the season. They sweep the Tigers at Tiger Stadium (see EMERGENCY FACESAVING PREDICTION in the comments) the last week of the season and then coast into the playoffs against Toronto when the entire Blue Jays pitching staff is laid low by a bad batch of poutine.
As always, remember that all predictions are wrong, including this one.
When looking at the 2012 Twins season, do you think the glass is ...
Half Full (5 votes)
Half Empty (1 vote)
in need of more whiskey (17 votes)
Pancakes (7 votes)
30 total votes