Reasons To Go To Target Field This Year

1. The food
2. The beer
3. The peanuts and cracker jack
4. The satisfaction of leaving early
5. The chance to get close enough to remind a Twins pitcher just how bad he is at his job

Things That Will Happen Before Chris Parmelee Hits Another Major League Home Run

1. NFL minicamps will start
2. NHL training camps will start
3. The 2013 MLB season will start
4. The earth will crash into the sun
5. Chris Parmelee will go down to Triple-A and maybe play some games there before we pretend he's ready for the major leagues

Clete Thomas's Favorite Letters

1. K
2. K
3. K
4. K
5. K

Metaphors For Terry Ryan's Job This Year

1. Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic
2. Rearranging rocks in a rock garden
3. Putting shoeshine on a tennis shoe
4. Sisyphus pushing a stone up a hill
5. Polishing a turd

People The Twins Have Available To Play At Third Base Instead Of Perennial Disappointment Danny Valencia

5. Oh no.

Things That Worry Me About The Twins This Year

1. The pitching
2. The fielding
3. The hitting
4. The coaching
5. That I'll be forced to watch them