The Twins are currently on pace to finish with a 42-120 record. If you put a team of hilariously mismatched characters plucked from a local prison on the field, they could finish 42-120, probably, and you'd be able to make a movie too.

Last Week

The Angels and the Mariners aren't very good, but the former swept the Twins and the latter took two out of three. Here's what made news:

• Jered Weaver no-hit the Twins, allowing only a walk and a runner that reached on a strikeout and a passed ball. History will probably remember this as, "Jered Weaver threw a no-hitter, but he did it against the Twins, so it's not like he pitched against the varsity."
• The Twins set a modern-day record by getting only nine hits in a four-game span. If you watched, I know what you're thinking: "When did we get nine hits? That seems high."
• Justin Morneau headed to the disabled list to rest a sore right wrist that, going by past years, will keep him out indefinitely and eventually ruin his season. Drew Butera made his less-than-triumphant return to the major-league roster to replace Morneau.
• The team designated America's Strikeout King, Clete Thomas for assignment, replacing him with Erik Komatsu.
• The Twins sent down struggling starter Liam Hendriks and brought up lefthander Scott Diamond and shortstop Brian Dozier, who'll start at SS for the forseeable future.
• Jesse launched our YouTube channel, which you need to go and subscribe to right now or I'm never talking to you again.

This Week's Schedule

After a fairly disastrous West Coast swing, the Twins are back in town for a nine-game homestand - three against the Angels, four against the Blue Jays, and two against the Indians.

This will be Anaheim's 47th, 48th, and 49th games against the Twins this year (or so it seems). Despite this, the Angels are still reeling - last in the AL West, already more than seven games adrift of Texas. Keep an eye on: Albert Pujols, whose bat has been replaced with Nick Punto's by an evil witch in Orange County.

Toronto, meanwhile, is muddling along in the middle of the AL East, seemingly where they always are. I suspect that if you told Blue Jays fans they'd be ahead of the Yankees and Red Sox right now, but still in third place, they probably would try to hit you. Keep an eye on: DH Edwin Encarnacion, who homered in four consecutive games last week and is tied for the American League lead.

• Monday: Anaheim, 7:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Francisco Liriano vs. Jered Weaver
  
• Tuesday: Anaheim, 7:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Scott Diamond vs. Dan Haren
  
• Wednesday: Anaheim, 7:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Carl Pavano vs. Ervin Santana
  
• Thursday: Toronto, 7:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Jason Marquis vs. Henderson Alvarez
  
• Friday: Toronto, 7:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Nick Blackburn vs. Kyle Drabek
  
• Saturday: Toronto, 6:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Liriano vs. Drew Hutchinson
  
• Sunday: Toronto, 1:10pm. TV: FSN. Probables: Diamond vs. Ricky Romero