Let's face it; this is just not the Twins' year. They've played better, as of late, but they're 13 games under .500 and would need a possibly-historic run to even compete for third place in the AL Central, never mind the playoffs. We can resign ourselves to this.
However, we also need to plan our lives. For many of us, summer evenings have long been blocked off, so that we may have our evenings free to shout epithets at the long succession of heart-failure-inducing relief pitchers that have so colored our summertimes. This year... maybe we've got some free time. So, in the interest of helping you plan your time, we present this helpful quiz: are you the kind of person who'll be watching the Twins all summer?
1. What's your attitude towards Rich Becker?
A: I thought he was going to hit second in the lineup for a decade. (10 points)
B: Was he before or after Otis Nixon? (4 points)
C: (/googles "Rich Becker") (0 points)
D: (/googles "Minnesota Twins before 2001") (-4 points)
2. You would describe your summer calendar as....
A: Packed. (0 points)
B: Busy. (2 points)
C: Open. (8 points)
D: Why would I have a calendar? In the summer? What are you talking about? (10 points)
3. Please describe your attitude towards Percy Harvin's trade demands.
A: Well, he was back at practice the next day, and I listened to a bunch of other Vikings being interviewed on KFAN and KSTP, and I really have to say, I think this is less of a big deal than everybody says. Let's get past voluntary OTAs before we start panicking, don't you think? (0 points)
B: I heard about that, but I don't really pay attention for another month or so, until training camp starts. (2 points)
C: Why are the Vikings in the news in June? (5 points)
D: Doesn't football start in September? (10 points)
4. Which home series are you most excited about for the rest of the season?
A: Any of the series in September, because rosters will expand and I will get a chance to see some prospects in person. (10 points)
B: This weekend against Kansas City, because I want to go to both games of a doubleheader. (8 points)
C: Either of the Cleveland series, because tickets will be dirt-cheap. (3 points)
D: The Yankees, because I want to see a REAL baseball team. (-5 points)
5. Who should represent the Twins in the All-Star Game this year?
A: Probably Josh Willingham or Denard Span - they're both having pretty good years. (10 points)
B: Trevor Plouffe! OMG 14 home runs! (3 points)
C: Joe Mauer. Doesn't Joe Mauer always go to the All-Star Game? (1 point)
D: Don't they have the All-Star Game at the end of the year, like the Pro Bowl? (0 points)
6. When someone asks you, "What time is the game tonight?", you...
A: Tell them immediately because you have the schedule memorized. (10 points)
B: Take out your wallet and check a well-thumbed pocket schedule. (8 points)
C: Check your smartphone or a nearby computer. (3 points)
D: Laugh uproariously. (0 points)
7. Who should the Twins trade before the deadline?
A: Anyone they feel they can get good value for, especially if it helps rebuild the top levels of a depleted farm system. (10 points)
B: Francisco Liriano, on the principle of "When that car runs good for awhile, sell it before it breaks down again." (7 points)
C: Nobody, because the team is turning a corner and still could contend this year. (2 points)
D: Joe Mauer, because he's weak and lazy and an overpaid baby. (-5 points)
8. How many games will the Twins win this year?
A: I'm hopeful that they can get to 65 or 70 - not great, but given their start, respectable. (10 points)
B: Probably like 80. That's pretty good, right? How many games are there again? 200? (4 points)
C: None because they suck so much FIRE EVERYONE TRADE EVERYONE (1 point)
D: 3-13 again. Wait, you said the Vikings, right? (0 points)
61 to 80 points: We'd like to congratulate you. This thing might be going down like the Titanic, but you're out there on the deck, playing the violin and not giving up.
41 to 60 points: Hey, we're busy in the summer too. Keep checking those scores and putting the game on in the background.
21 to 40 points: Enjoy Vikings training camp - only a couple more weeks to wait!
Fewer than 21 points: See you back here in 2014 or so, when the Twins might be good again.