"Lookin' good, Blackie. Man, it's just falling off the table. Gonna be a good night tonight."
A recent run of rain delays prior to the All-Star Game made Fox Sports North acutely aware of the need to offer programming that wasn't an umpteenth re-airing of their 50 Greatest Twins series. Twinkie Town has been fortunate enough to receive a preview of some of the new shows that will be airing during foul weather. Here they are:
- Dick Bremer's Upper Midwest Dance Party. The FSN play-by-play voice gets his old albums out and plays the hits from Dan Fogelberg, Chicago and some more Dan Fogelberg. He requests that the dancers maintain a respectful distance from each other and, if possible, not dance at all. He will not say the name of the show in promos.
- Telly Hughes Reads Public Service Announcements. The former FSN field reporter simply reads PSAs and interprets them for the audience. FSN is not responsible for the claims made during this program, particularly any confusion over "handgun-free/free handguns" venues.
- Lew Ford's The Chronicles of Bl'nei Gr'narnth. A swords-and-sorcerers epic in the vein of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy, this mini-series was written, directed, and produced by the former Twins outfielder and current Orioles farmhand. It details the adventures of the titular hero, also played by Ford, in a harsh realm (actually the ballroom of the Hagerstown, Maryland Holiday Inn done up in aluminum foil and a malfunctioning strobe light) populated by dragons, lasers and elves. "It is hard sci-fi, so don't expect a bunch of mushy crap with Aragorn and Liv Tyler," says Ford. Versatile former Twin Denny Hocking co-stars as all the other characters.
- Behind the Music: Junior Ortiz. This juicy documentary tells the tale of the never-released album Ortiz made after the 1991 World Series in an attempt to capitalize on the nascent grunge-rock trend. Stories behind songs like "Scott Leius and Mike Pagliarulo (I Can't Tell the Difference Between)" and "Lost in Richfield Again" will be told by those who were there.
- Bullpen Sessions with Rick Anderson. Ever wanted to see Nick Blackburn's deadly sinker? Or watch Francisco Liriano pitch with devastating control? Then you won't want to miss this one.
- A Twins Intern Tries to Explain Social Media to Tom Kelly. Sample dialogue: "You see, you put a hashtag in front of a word in your Tweet and other people can click on or tap that to see what other Twitterers are saying about that topic." "..."
- Pretty Obscure Things You Probably Haven't Heard Of. Host Kevin Slowey coolly dismisses his guests' points of reference and tells them about vacation spots, books and bands that are infinitely better, man.
- Australian Jargon or Just Goddamn Nonsense. This game show features Liam Hendriks just saying things in that weirdly charming accent and contestants guessing if it's a Down Under turn-of-phrase or just random words. If you know that "Slap the joey, Sheila" means "Hello," "Goodbye," and "I'm so sorry for your loss," you could be our next winner!