Somebody like Mike Redmond, shown here clothed. That's what we're looking for.
You remember Lew Ford, don't you? Two years ago we recapped Lew's near-mythical status here, when Lew was in the Mexican League. We worried he was gone for good, but now he's back, playing for Norfolk in the International League, Baltimore's Triple-A affiliate. More than that, at age 35, he's killing it - a .939 OPS in more than 150 plate appearances so far.
Recently, we discovered that Lew is on Twitter as @CaptainLou20, is tweeting pictures of himself with guys with lightsabers, and is in general confirming everything we thought we knew about the flakiest Twin in recent memory. Meanwhile, the current Twins team is almost 100% flake-free; Anthony Swarzak believes in Sasquatch, but that's about it. Lew is gone. Mike Redmond is gone. Gout sufferer Matthew LeCroy is gone. Motormouth Orlando Hudson is gone. Tiny dancer Nick Punto, Japanese failure Tsuyoshi Nishioka, rotund reliever Jose Mijares, bro-tastic Danny Valencia - all gone.
We're short on the goofy, the unique, and the silly. And so here's a few things that we wish were true, just to make a few of the current Twins a little more three-dimensional, a little more interesting - like Lew.
- Joe Mauer: Has an award-winning teapot collection.
- Glen Perkins: Regularly tries to use a 1979 Ford F-150 as a tip at an Old Chicago restaurant.
Francisco Liriano: Has been quoting J.P Donleavy novels in postgame interviews for years without anyone noticing.
- Alexi Casilla: Speaks French and has a passion for dubbed Jerry Lewis movies.
- Jamey Carroll: Has a Wu-Tang Clan tattoo.
- Justin Morneau: Active in a British Columbia separatist movement.
- Nick Blackburn: Cried when Phish got back together.
- Ryan Doumit: Had blue eyes when he first came to majors, and refuses to talk about when they changed to "black and creepy."
- Ben Revere: Astronomy buff that regularly badgers teammates to go to planetariums with him when on road trips.
- Trevor Plouffe: Shaves his legs, but not for a superstition.
- Liam Hendriks: Has more than 10,000 posts, and is a moderator, in an Australia-specific Bon Iver fan forum.
- Denard Span: Regularly goes out of his way to note the make and model of passenger trains.
- Drew Butera: Scratch golfer.
- Scott Diamond: Brings a stuffed moose named "Carl Friedrich Moose" on road trips.
I suppose the real truth is that, no matter how long we wait, we'll never have another Lew Ford. 'Tis a shame.