Some Lists About Tsuyoshi Nishioka

This is Japanese fencer Shiho Nishioka, who we believe would be better at baseball than Tsuyoshi Nishioka.

Well, Tsuyoshi Nishioka's back in the big leagues, like the uncle that won't leave at Christmas, or a fart that gets in the couch cushions and is still there three days later. In honor of one of the worst Twins ever, here's a selection of lists about the "shortstop."

The Top 5 People Who Are Better At Their Jobs Than Tsuyoshi Nishioka Is At His

  1. Kevin Costner, dialect coach
  2. Richard Nixon, honest public servant
  3. Mark Madsen, dancer
  4. Carl Lewis, vocalist
  5. Vinko Bogotaj, ski jumper

The Top 5 Inanimate Objects That, If Placed Directly On Top Of Home Plate, Would Have A Better Chance Of Being A Decent Major League Hitter Than Tsuyoshi Nishioka

  1. Queen-size mattress
  2. Children's trampoline
  3. 65-gallon water heater
  4. John Deere S-Series combine harvester
  5. Bengie Molina

The Top 5 Twins That, Given A Major Restriction, Would Still Be Better Defensive Shortstops Than Tsuyoshi Nishioka

  1. Joe Mauer, must throw left-handed
  2. Ben Revere, must run the ball the entire distance to the base
  3. Jamey Carroll, must wear a blindfold
  4. Drew Butera, not allowed to wear a glove
  5. Justin Morneau, must wear full hockey goaltender gear and shoot the ball to first base with his stick

The Top 5 Things We Hope This Stint In The Majors For Tsuyoshi Nishioka Accomplishes

  1. He gets traded.
  2. Well, we don't know who would trade for him. Someone drunk?
  3. The Twins could pick up his salary and trade him for a player to be named later.
  4. As long as the player to be named later isn't Nishioka.
  5. Is Brian Sabean still a GM somewhere?

The Top 5 Nonexistent Crimes That Tsuyoshi Nishioka Should Go To Baseball Jail For

  1. Impersonating a shortstop
  2. Swinging bat with intent to ground weakly to third
  3. Lying about being a switch-hitter
  4. Illegal possession of eighty pounds of pointless body armor
  5. Getting promoted to the major leagues on false grounds
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