"Buddy, I think we're gonna make it."
The Twins don't seem to think that Anthony Slama can be a success in the major leagues. Presumably, their scouts see that Slama doesn't throw hard, and doesn't have great stuff, and so despite his ability to dominate in Triple-A, they're willing to let him languish in Rochester.
With this in mind, let's take a look at a few other scouting reports that have come out of the Twins scouting department.
PLAYER: Tsuyoshi Nishioka
SCOUTING REPORT: Bails out of the box when he swings. Says he can hit right-handed but nobody will tell him he's holding the bat backwards. Has trouble throwing the ball all the way from shortstop to first base. Gets 90% of his hits by rolling the ball along the concrete turf they have in Japan.
RECOMMENDATION: Sign, sign, sign! Once-in-a-generation player. No chance we'll ever find a player with this set of skills in America. Eight figures is not too high. Listen, I've got ten bucks in my pocket. Take it. Sign him now.
PLAYER: Nick Blackburn
SCOUTING REPORT: 11-11 two years in a row. Supposed sinkerball pitcher who somehow gives up a ton of home runs. Led the league in hits allowed last year; batters batting nearly .300 off him. But Rick Anderson says he looks like a star in the bullpen, and hey, he never gets hurt.
RECOMMENDATION: Lock up long-term. You can't find this kind of average pitching just anywhere.
PLAYER: Tommy Herr
SCOUTING REPORT: Definitely wants to be in Minnesota. Definitely won't cry over leaving St. Louis.
RECOMMENDATION: Trade! He'll fit in perfectly.
PLAYER: Livan Hernandez
SCOUTING REPORT: Throws a lot of innings still, I guess. I don't recall every seeing him get anyone out, though. Is that possible? Is it possible to throw five innings without getting anybody out? Also I think my radar gun was shorting out because it never registered above 75.
RECOMMENDATION: (/drinks straight from open bottle of whiskey) Well, what the hell.
PLAYER: Jason Marquis
SCOUTING REPORT: (see Livan Hernandez)
RECOMMENDATION: (see Livan Hernandez) (NOTE: Buy more whiskey)
PLAYER: Otis Nixon
SCOUTING REPORT: Still alive. (90-95% confident.)
RECOMMENDATION: Poke with stick before offering contract, to verify.
PLAYER: Ryan Mills
SCOUTING REPORT: Can't-miss prospect. Top-of-the-rotation talent. No family problems whatsoever. We should really take a look at his dad's pitching system, too.
RECOMMENDATION: The sixth pick might even be too low. It's like stealing.