Fake Future: If the Twins Signed Kyle Lohse...

USA Today Sports

If writing at this blog for seven years has taught me anything, it's that I always know what's going to happen to this team at all times.

I did one of these a couple of years ago, where I played out a scenario that led to the Twins signing Derek Jeter. That was a little too real. I'd like to say that what follows isn't realistic at all, but I fear it may be. Here's how it goes.

January 31 - Terry Ryan expresses surprise at the official press conference announcing the Twins' signing of Kyle Lohse, saying: "This is that guy? The same guy? I thought it was a different guy."

March 21 - Lohse throws five shutout innings against the Yankees in his penultimate spring training start. He celebrates by throwing Jamey Carroll through a glass window at a local Tampa bar.

April 4 - Slotted third in the rotation, following Scott Diamond and Vance Worley, Lohse throws 90 pitches in four and a third innings against the Tigers and surrenders six runs. Lohse blows off steam by purchasing Lake Calhoun and installing a wave machine so he can "just ride a wave of positivity, man". The wave of positivity is metaphorical as Lake Calhoun is still frozen.

April 25 - Pitching in the series opener against the Rangers, Lohse beans three consecutive batters to lead off the game. When confronted on the mound by Pitching Coach Rick Anderson, Lohse responds "No offense, bro, just tryin ta get ja fired."

May 10 to May 19 - During a home stand, Lohse sends an email to Manager Ron Gardenhire: "He asked for some time off. Something about being too cold in Minnesota for him to be an effective pitcher. I guess guys get on the interweb and just say whatever they want. I told him 'No bones, Lohsey', but then he didn't show up anyway."

May 21 - Arriving in Atlanta just in time for his start, he appears tanned and well-rested. "I'm bringing frosty back," he says of his freshly blonde-frosted tips.

June 7 - The media discovers that Gardenhire hasn't been in the dugout for any of Lohse's games all season long. When asked why he hasn't been with the team once every five days, Gardy responds: "What the [redacted] for? So that crazy [redacted] surfer wannabe can bash my door down again?"

June 8 - Lohse surprises Gardy by taking a baseball bat to the manager's door the day after his start.

June 9 - Bat-Girl posts a lego re-enactment of Lohse beating Gardy's door with a baseball bat. Twins bloggers lose their minds.

June 20 - Pitching in the rubber match of a home series against the White Sox, Lohse breaks the MLB record for balks in a game by committing the offense seven times. "Why didn't I take him out?" echoed Anderson in the post-game press conference. "Because we were chasing history today, people. History."

July 13 - It's discovered that Lohse has created a Tumblr account which he updates between innings during his starts, called LOLsFromLohse. They're all memes based on his own photos of Jamey Carroll.

July 19 - RandballsStu parodies Lohse in his Friday article titled "Kyle LOLse and the Tears of a Clown".

July 30 - Following his first complete game shutout of the season, Lohse celebrates by sneaking into Joe Mauer's house while Mauer is sleeping and shaving his sideburns. He posts the video on LOLsFromLohse.

August 8 - A season-long buildup of animosity between Lohse and his teammates culminates in Jamey Carroll being thrown through a window on an off-day in Chicago. Carroll refuses to press charges. Lohse sues Carroll for "not causing enough damage".

August 26 - On the team's third off-day of the month, Lohse convinces an already sore Mike Pelfrey that repeatedly being punched in the elbow will loosen up the tendons and allow Pelfrey to keep pitching.

September 13 - For the third time in as many starts Lohse is unable to make it through the fifth inning. In the post-game press conference Phil Mackey asks Lohse why he thinks he's struggling, bringing up a quote from Rick Anderson citing mechanical flaws in his delivery. Lohse responds: "Hey, fellow who works with Patrick Reusse, this isn't by real job, okay? This isn't 'What I Do'. I play bass in a band. I have other things going on. We're all really into Smashmouth."

September 28 - In his final start of the season, Lohse pitches seven and a third, striking out six and walking just one while allowing a pair of runs to score. He gets the win, improving to 8-12 on the season and lowering his ERA to 4.88. "HOW'S THAT STEAK TASTE, MINNESOTA?" he asks facetiously, puffing out his chest and shoving Rob Incmikowski off camera. "LET'S GO, CARROLL. WE GOTTA PARTY."

Moral of the story: Signing Kyle Lohse could be the most entertaining thing to happen in Twins baseball this season.

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