I have my suspicions that a few of you may have not paid attention over the winter, so it's time for a pop quiz. No, don't complain, don't whine - especially you there in the back. You've been making paper airplanes and talking about basketball all winter, don't come crying to me when your grade goes in the toilet.
Credit will not be given for partial, incorrect, correct, or essay answers. Submit all exams carefully in your blue book. The exam will be timed.
1. Which of these pitchers will NOT pitch for the Twins in the spring?
A: Kevin Correia
B: Rich Harden
C: That one guy, I think he played for the Mets, maybe? Did we have to trade for him?
D: Vance May... no, Alex May? Alex Worley? Trevor Worley? The Philly guy. What was his name? Not the minor-league guy, the other one. No, the other minor league one, I mean not him
E: Really, that's it? Good gracious
2. Does Target Field still have a center field?
B: It must not
C: Yes, but the commissioner said we get to ride a horse in the field this year so it's totally okay
3. How much is Drew Butera getting paid in 2013?
A: Like ten bucks? HA ha! (/high fives)
B: What's the major-league minimum? Like $7.50 an hour, right?
C: Really? Geez. No wonder everybody wants to get to the bigs. Anyway, that.
D: You're joking. How much more?
E: Well, I guess failing upwards is a real thing.
4. How many injuries has Justin Morneau had in his career?
A: Five or so
B: Like one a year, the poor guy's just unlucky
C: You get kicked in the head, let's see whether the rest of your body falls apart
D: THERE AREN'T ENOUGH NUMBERS IN THE WORLD
5. Francisco Liriano injured his non-throwing arm and failed his physical in Pittsburgh.
A: Bet he fell off the mound on the third-base side!
B: Come on now, that's hurtful
C: So is his pitching
D: So's your mom's pitching
E: Ooh burn, you gonna take that?
6. Which 2012 starting pitcher are you going to forget about first?
A: Samuel Deduno
B: Liam Hendriks
C: Esmerling Vasquez
D: Nick Blackburn
E: P.J. Walters
F: Jason Marquis
G: Cole De Vries
H: None of the above, I celebrate their entire catalog
7. What do we think about Terry Ryan?
A: In over his head, fire him and let's get somebody else in here like that nice boy Paul Molitor
B: Liked him before he was cool
C: He's all right I guess, he sure likes not doing much
8. Terry Steinbach is now a Twins coach.
A: My old man played against him in a townball league
B: My grandpa played against Babe Ruth on a barnstorming tour
C: My great-great-great-grandpa had two strikes on Jesus but then the umpire started squeezing the strike zone because come on, Jesus is at the plate
D: My uncle lost his girlfriend to Terry Steinbach's brother, now he drinks during the day, my uncle I mean
9. Who is going to be the Twins' double-play combination in 2013?
A: Brian Dozier and Pedro Florimon
B: Jamey Carroll and Pedro Florimon
C: Eduardo Escobar y Pedro Florimon
D: Brian Dozier and Jamey Carroll
E: Joe Mauer and Joe Mauer, oh wait you meant in the field, ha ha #dingers
10. What do you remember about the last time the Twins were good?
A: Seems like a long time ago now
B: Pretty sure it was only like three years ago though
C: But Orlando Hudson was there so I bet it kind of felt like longer
D: Remember the time Jim Thome accidentally poured beer on kids during the title celebration? That was pretty great
E: Think we got swept in the playoffs that year, dang
F: On second thought it doesn't seem that long ago
Okay, heads up. Turn in your papers in an orderly fashion. Your grades will be posted on the door, but as a safety precaution, no one's grade will appear next to his or her own name, you'll have to talk amongst yourselves until you figure it out, it's like Indian poker or something.