(Note from Stu: Bill Parker (@Bill_TPA on the Twitter) wrote a similar piece for SB Nation's Phillies blog The Good Phight, with added things like facts and math. I read it about ten minutes after I completed this and yelled at the sky for a good long while. Definitely read his, too.)
CONGRATULATIONS, (team name), ON YOUR BRAND NEW DELMON YOUNG!
WHILE WE ARE SURE THAT YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR BRAND NEW DELMON YOUNG, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU PROPERLY CARE FOR AND HANDLE HIM! PLEASE FOLLOW THESE RULES TO MAXIMIZE YOUR ENJOYMENT AND YOUR INVESTMENT:
- If you are planning to play him in the field, we would at first advise you NOT to do this. This is important.
- If you plan to do so anyway because of injury or your genius front office thinks they're the guys who can fix Delmon Young, only play him in left*. Do not play him in right, as he cannot do this. Do not play him in center, as he cannot do this. In all honesty, he cannot play in left (please see the first rule), either. But okay, here we are. He runs like a constipated duck. His routes to fly balls are a direct homage to Billy from the Family Circus. Here he is throwing a baseball in the World Series, which contains up to seven of his sport's most important games. So, that's what you're getting.
- That said, if you're an American League team**, you can DH him and maximize a pretty effective bat when he's in a groove.
- THAT said, if he knows he's DH-ing, he will not necessarily take care of himself as he would if he playing in the field everyday. Have you ever eaten an entire pizza by yourself, felt pangs of shame and self-disgust afterwards, then started eating more pizza? You have entered the Delmon Zone.
- To avoid the Delmon Zone, closely monitor his caloric intake. Yes, he's a grown man, and you're not his babysitter. Here's the alternative.
- Sometimes, the Delmon Zone extends to hotel bars. To avoid this, closely monitor his intake of other substances. Are there religious minorities nearby? Perhaps evacuate them, or steer Delmon to a different public house. Yes, he's a grown man, and you're not his babysitter. Here's the alternative.